Blownapart Games

Napoleon Blownapart talks games. Cause he doesn't know much else.

Darksiders 2

Darksiders 2

Release: Out Now
Format: PS360/PC

There’s 2 kinds of disappointment in this life, the expected kind, like when you buy a lottery ticket and say to yourself “nah, i’ll never win”, and even though you secretly hope maybe, just maybe, this is your lucky day, you know deep down you wont. So when your numbers fail to come up yet again, and you realize your life really is worthless and shit and you down another glass of Whisky and beat your Wife for the rest of the evening, it really isn’t that unexpected.
But there’s an altogether worse kind of disappointment, the kind that’s unexpected, like rain out of a clear blue summer sky, or when Kelly Brook got her baps out for Playboy. For years we’d all been dying for her to free the Brook 2, only to be met with bitter disappointment when she finally did and they they turned out to be saggy and unshapely, and basically the breast embodiment of Darksiders 2.

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Max Payne 3

Max Payne 3

Format: PC
Release: Out now

Like all the bad things in my life, it started with the death of a woman. I couldn’t save her. I didn’t want to. Because she was just another bad Rockstar stereotype. Big on tits and small on IQ. And frankly, i didn’t give a single solitary shit about any of the characters in this game.

I lied to myself that it was over. I was still alive, my loved ones were still dead. Max Payne was still dead. Raped into the ground by Rockstar and their terrible writing, and terrible characterisation.

The trouble with wanting something is the fear of losing it, or never getting it. We wanted a follow up to Max Payne 2, and for our sins, we got one. Only it was developed by Rockstar, who wouldn’t know a good line of dialogue, or a well rounded likeable character if they were using one as a suppository.

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Alternative titles for Spec Ops: The Line that could’ve helped it stand out more

Spec ops: The Line is a great, great game. In a world where every game under the sun is trying it’s hardest to be a cross between Black Hawk Down and Transformers, Spec Ops aping cinematic classic Apocalypse Now is a welcome change. But that generic as fuck title has GOT TO GO.

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Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary

Format: PS3
Release: Out Now

When i was a kid, i saw the film Child’s Play. Which might account for some of the issues i have nowadays, but that’s beside the point. As an impressionable kid, to me, Child’s Play was like watching some sort of Satanic Black Mass complete with sacrifing of Virgins and Goat Headed man beasts feasting on the flesh of the innocent. What i’m trying t o say is, it terrified the balls out of me, and seemed like i was watching the televised account of the last days of Sodom & Gomorrah. Last week, i caught it on ITV4, and realized it had actually been a tongue in cheek black comedy that was frankly hilarious when you’re watching a Cop unloading a 357 Magnum into the skull of a 2 foot tall Doll wielding a scalpel.

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The Best, and Worst, of 2011. Part 2: The Agony

In some ways, 2011 has been the best year for gaming i can think of. In others, its been as disappointing as finding out Christina Hendricks’ tits are fake. I mean, they’re real and all, but Jesus, can you imagine if they weren’t? I dont know how i’d cope.

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The best, and worst, of 2011. Part 1: The Ecstacy

It’s that time of year already. Time for every website occupying server space somewhere to churn out a ‘best of’ list as if they’d be permanently shut down if they didn’t. Well, im getting it out of the way early so i can spend my Christmas holidays sitting around in my housecoat, eating chocolate for breakfast and washing it down with a White Russian while watching Raiders of the Lost Ark & Trading Places. Fuck yeah Christmas!!

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Dark Souls – The Review

Dark Souls
Format: PS3
Release: Out Now

Do you remember Rick Dangerous? He was Core Design’s attempt at an Indiana Jones rip off, a 16bit Era platformer where you raided Tombs, killed indigenous people and stole thier shit, and was probably the inspiration for Core’s most famous creation, Lara Croft’s tits. But this is a Dark Souls Review, so why the fuck am i talking about Rick Dangerous?

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The reasons why Dark Souls Hates you

Dark Souls
Format: PS3/360
Release: Out Now

A little while back i wrote a piece called “The reasons why Demon’s Souls hates you”. (on retrospect i realized it should have been called the proof that demon’s souls hates you, but whatever). For some reason, possibly because Demon’s Souls was amazing, it proved to be a pretty popular article. So here we are, over a year later, and the cruel mistress known as Dark Souls has arrived. I say Arrived, it’s more like it kicked my front door in, tied me to a chair, beat me about the face and neck, then sexually assaulted me in the best possible way.

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How to un-fuck RAGE’s graphics

Steam recently released a patch that should hopefully sort out all of RAGE’s graphical bugs. However for people stuck with a non-steam version, or maybe too dumb to patch the game, or possibly they acquired the game via nefarious means, they’re stuck with version 1.0, which has a cock so far up it’s ass it’s ticking it’s tonsils. Here’s a few tips to get it running right.

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