You may have noticed i haven’t reviewed anything at all this year. The reason is simple: fuck off. Also, sadly for all you ladies out there i got married last year and have less time for jacking off to internet porn and writing garbage that is read by approximately noone. But in an effort to placate all of you out there clamouring for me to review your favourite games, here’s TFPG’s roundup of the GREATEST HITS OF 2013
Bioshock was a great game. For 2007. Playing it in 2013, is a bit like seeing an old photograph of yourself wearing a T-Shirt that says “WASSSUUUP”. You cant quite understand just why you thought something so shitty nowadays was so great back then. The atmosphere in Bioshock is still superlative, but god damn, that gameplay is about as groundbreaking as the science of phrenology. The gunplay is terrible and you’re interrupted every 2 minutes to play Pipemania, which is a bit like interrupting doing a Tax Return every 5 minutes to unclog a Vacuum Cleaner full of Cat Hair.
So thank Christ Bioshock Infinite radically improves the gameplay SO MU- oh wait, no, its almost identical, sans pipemania.
Bioshock Infinite is a game so fucking full of itself and its ballsack washing story that it’s like the developers threw in some gameplay as an afterthought.
But its okay, because the story is so utterly MINDBLOW- oh wait no its complete garbage.
Bioshock Infinite starts off with some promise, by setting the game in a floating city of haves and have-not’s. The have nots are mostly Blacks and Irish, and i know from being Irish most of my life that if we were ever marooned on a floating city full of rich dickheads, we probably would be fit only for washing toilets. However BI decides that a story about Racism and class structures in a city where the people in power are morally bankrupt but hiding it behind a veil of Religious zeal is just something nobody can relate to nowadays, so cleverly does a complete 180 and quickly introduces a more believable story of gigantic robotic birds because reasons, multi-dimensional space girl who can sing universes into existence, time travelling British incest twin scientists and 1980’s pop hits BECAUSE FUCKING REASONS ALRIGHT??
The story in BI is a fucking mess. And don’t let cunts on the internet tell you differently, its not 2deep4u, you didn’t “not get it”, it was just fucking garbage. It was 15 hours of writers so fucking full of themselves and so convinced their story is a work of unfettered genius that they think its okay circlejerk the most ridiculously overblown parallel universe bullshit ideas into existence that they possibly could.
“A GIANT ROBOT BIRD!”
“YOU ARE THE BAD GUY ALL ALONG!! OMG SHAYAMALAMADINGDONG”
“MAKE ELIZABETH A SIDEKICK FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN THROWING MONEY AT YOU”
“GHOSTS. FUCKIN GHOSTS EVERYWHERE”
“CRAWLING DICK MONSTER TOMATO BADGER”
SPLINTER CELL: BLACKLIST
What the fuck am i even playing here? The last SC game i played was….splinter cell. The first one. And i only bought it because at the time, it was a choice of either Splinter Cell, or letting the Xbox dizzolve in a puddle of it’s own disuse. So to say playing Blacklist was a mystifying experience was putting it mildly.
Sam Fisher appears to have gotten younger and developed a thing for wearing tight fitting Leather pants like most grown men having a midlife crisis. For some unkown reason, some damn dirty darkies hate freedom, and want Sam Fisher to know it. So they blow up some McDonalds restaurants or something, French Fries and burgers being the symbol of all things Freedom.
Anyway, Sam Fisher now has to covertly infiltrate and eliminate the Burger-Haters, which he does in super secret fashion by being the only White, English speaking American walking around Middle Eastern towns in broad daylight. Sam then flies around the world in his FREEDOM MACHINE with his totally original and un-cliche Scooby gang which may contain some or all of the following:
Sexy female computer nerd
Unsexy male socially akward computer nerd
An ethnic minority
Someone in a wheelchair
A dolphin that’s been trained to hunt down Al Quaeda affiliated molluscs
I didn’t finish this game. I played a few levels and uninstalled it. Post 9/11 freedom loving trash.
DMC: Donte May Cry
I’d be the first to admit i’m no good at score attack combo based 3rd person brawlers like DMC. If i hit a combo of 3 it’s a good result. I only bought DMC for 2 reasons:
1: it was 11 euro,
2: i wanted to piss off all the babies whining about Dante’s new edgy look by saying how great it is, regardless of what i actually thought of it. (for the record, it’s a bit too try-hard and so desperate to be cool it’s actually a bit camp)
So first, the good news. Dante’s new makeover IS FUCKING GREAT. It’s actually the best thing about the game. No more silver haired trenchcoat wearing wisecracking awful acting Japanity. Instead we get a much better Linkin Park inspired Emo Dante, which is IMO far superior to the original design.
I was surprised by DMC because basically it isn’t shit. It’s a pretty great action game with an enjoyable story, and gorgeous graphics. And you also get to Cunt Punt a demon baby out of a womans Vagina, so really, there’s alot to like in this game.
Tomb Raider is the gritty, hard hitting reboot to the gritty, hard hitting original game based on a woman with breasts bigger than her head on a quest to make several species of endangered wildlife extinct.
The Tomb Raider reboot is pretty much everything you could want in a reboot, its gritty, its hard hitting, and its got a copious amount of grit. This is one gritty game.
In a desperate attempt to chase the Uncharted dollar, Tomb Raider has now been turned in a game wherein Lara Croft wipes out the population of a small Island of castaways, in various exciting and ever increasingly cinematic sequences. The great thing about fast paced action setpieces is that most of the actual gameplay is removed so as not to get in your way, meaning excitement is never more than a simple stick push or QTE away.
I for one was completely sick of the slew of ten-a-penny titles based around exploring ancient ruins, doing archaeology shit, digging up skeletons and carbon dating them mini-games etc, so im personally glad Tomb Raider was ballsy enough to carbon copy the template of every other Uncharted clone this side of 2009 instead of carving any kind of new identity for itself. Its also a relief that they removed the majority of Tombs to explore from this Tomb Raider title, as im pretty sure we were all sick to the back fucking teeth of doing that.
Bravo Square Enix. Maybe consider turning it into a Call of Duty inspired First Person Shooter for the next TR game, and have Lara hunt down some militant Islamist Tigers or something.
THE LAST OF US
I can’t accuse this game of chasing the Uncharted dollar being that these guys invented the Uncharted dollar. So it’s no surprise to find that it’s an Uncharted-esque cheerful romp through post apocalyptic blah blah. You know what this game is about, you’ve seen all the 10/10 scores, you’ve read the glowing reviews of people tickling their balls over this game.
It’s a good game, it really is. But it’s no 11/10 ball tickler. For a start, the gameplay is the exact fucking same from start to finish. You could play the opening hour and play everything the game has to throw at you. In fact, you may as well play the opening hour then just watch all the cinematics on Youtube. It never changes things up at all, aside from the one bit where you’re a helpless girl hiding from a homicidal probably paedo cannibal.
Aside from combat there are 3 (count em!), 3 types of puzzle in this game:
Cross a gap using a plank
Climb over an obstacle using a dumpster
Push Ellie around a body of water on a wooden pallet
And thats it for the next 15 hours or so. The gameplay is about as one note as a vuvuzela. The story is one of the few videogame stories good enough that it didn’t make me want to shit my ass off in disgust however.