spike-vgas-2010-logo-midnight-rant

Welcome! Welcome one and all to TFPG’s 2nd annual Video Game Awards. I say Video Game Awards, but that’s just a catchy title i heard somewhere to rope in hits for what is actually just going to be me picking through the shittiest games of the year like a drug mule looking for a swallowed condom of pills in a pile of his own waste.

2012 has been a great year for games in many ways. But in many other way’s, it’s been shit. It’s the year that’s seen more Franchise-fuckery than George Lucas’s treatment of the Star Wars saga. Beloved franchises have been gruesomely killed off more frequently than black people in The Walking Dead.  It’s been a year in which fan made games like Black Mesa are released for free, while multi-millionaires like Peter Molyneux take to cyber begging to ask us to fund his latest re-hash of Populous. It can be tough deciding what’s the worst game to arrive in a year thats seen so much tripe, but this selection represents some of the worst of the year, condensed into handy Award format.

Anyway, without further ado, lets start the Awards!

WORST MALE ANYTHING

James Vega (Mass Effect 3)
Leon S Kennedy (Resident Evil 6)
Max Payne  (Max Payne 3)
Connor (Mass Effect 3)

And the winner is….

Congtatulations James!!

Look at this Mallet-headed fuck. This is everything that went wrong in Mass Effect 3 summed up in a single photo. Slake Beefbroth here is TUFF ENUFF for the dumbass fratboy crowd to cheer in delight when they see the power of his roid fuelled boulder arms pummel in the face of an ethnic minority, yet just sexy and manly enough for the fucking perverts who bullied Bioware into turning the ME games into a space dating-sim to get their jollies to when they watch him tenderly fuck Shepard up his space-ass.

FYI Bioware, heres a few alternate names you could used to make Vega even more manly and TUFF ENUFF: Slab Bulkhead, Fridge Largemeat, Punt Speedchunk, Butch Deadlift, Bolt Bigplank Splint Chesthair, Flint Ironstag, Bolt Vanderhuge, Thick McRunfast, Blast Hardcheese, Buff Drinklots, Trunk Slamchest, Fist Rockbone, Stump Beefgnaw, Smash Lampjaw, Punch Rockgroin, Buck Plankchest, Stump Chunkman, Dirk Hardpeck, Rip Steakface, Slate Slabrock, Crud Bonemeal, Brick Hardmeat, Rip Sidecheek, Punch Sideiron, Gristle McThornBody, Slake Fistcrunch, Buff Hardback, Bob Johnson, Blast Thickneck, Crunch Buttsteak, Slab Squatthrust, Lump Beefrock, Touch Rustrod, Reef Blastbody, Big McLargeHuge, Smoke Manmuscle, Beat Punchbeef, Pack Blowfist, Roll Fizzlebeef.

WORST FEMALE

Helena Harper (Resident Evil 6)
The Twins who get shot in the head 5 seconds after the start of the game (The Darkness 2)
Cortana (Halo 4)
The entire female cast of Dead or Alive 5 (Dead or Alive 5)

And the winner is…

2048-halo-4-cortana-hd-800x600-1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Take a look at that picture. Look at the helpless expression on that face. The vulnerability. The ‘i’m-just-a-helpless-little-girl’ look on her mug that just makes you want to protect her, and then afterwards, wank your cock til it’s raw over fan-art of Cortana pleasuring herself with a needle rifle.  Now remember that previously, Cortana was a wisecracking, Covenant foiling, takes-no-shit Artificial Intelligence who used to boss the Master Chief around. Unfortunately her sad devolution into Rampancy has made her a needy, whiny, helpless emo big-titted 5 year old nerd bait wank fantasy.

MOST SHIT-ON FRANCHISE

Max Payne (Max Payne 3)
Mass Effect (Mass Effect 3)
Resident Evil (Resident Evil 6)
Darksiders (Darksiders 2)
Hitman (Hitman: Absolution)

And the winner is…

Resident_Evil_Cover_Art

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Resident Evil, at one time, was a franchise strong enough to sell Consoles. Like the 5 Dreamcasts that were sold thanks to Code Veronica.
After RE6, Capcom will be lucky if they could trade the license for RE for 6 pack of Tuborg and copy of Razzle. RE6 isn’t just a bad game, it’s a fucking insult to every RE game that’s come before it. Shambolic controls, a story so ludicrously shit it makes Resident Evil 1-5 look like the collected works of Dostoyevsky, and to make matters worse, not only is it shit, but it’s THIRTY FUCKING HOURS OF SHIT. Not content with making a single shit campaign, they made 4 of them. Oh Capcom, with these shit campaigns you are really spoiling us.

MOST SHAMELESS CASH IN

Doom 3 BFG Edition
Fable: The Journey
The War Z
All of Capcom’s on disc DLC bullshit

And the winner is…

Doom 3 BFG Edition 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bethesdas whoring out of this title would’ve been enough to make a Pimp of underage Children feel uncomfortable. Doom 3 BFG not only looked considerably worse than  Doom 3 with a few mods installed, the ‘extra content’ was a bunch of copy and paste areas from the man game cobbled together to form some new levels. Add into the mix the fact that it cost the same as most new releases, and then couple that fact with the fact that Bethesda removed Doom 3 for sale from Steam just so anyone nostalgic for the series was forced to buy the much more expensive BFG edition instead of Vanilla Doom 3, and you’ve got some money grabbing antics that would put most 3rd World Dictators to shame.

WORST WAGGLE BASED GIMMICK GAME

Kinect Star Wars (Kinect)
Steel Battallion (Kinect)
Fable: The Journey (Kinect)
Just Dance 4 (Wii U)
All of the above (all waggle based games, ever)

And the winner is…

If there’s one good thing to take out of 2012, it’s that it’s finally the year Waggle died in a gutter stinking of it’s own shit.

WORST STORY

Deadlight (XBLA)
Halo 4 (360)
Mass Effect 3 (Multi)
Max Payne 3 (Multi)

And the winner is…
Halo-4-Box-Art

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Halo as a series is about as renowned for it’s story as Hitler was for his love of World Music.  The story has lofty ambitions to be High Sci-Fi but is hamstrung by the fact that it’s writers have roughly the talent of an average fanfiction.net writer. Yet as muddled as it’s story was, i always found it enjoyable. Even Halo 3, regarded by most fans as the game with the worst story of the series, is probably my favourite. But as muddled as the stories in previous Halo’s are, at least they have a story. Halo 4 eschews any need for a story and instead assumes you’re brain dead enough to have read all The Halo novels, and let me tell you, if you’ve ever read all the Halo novels, you probably deserve the payoff of being the only people on Earth capable of understanding the plot of Halo 4. But anyway, the story is vague enough to be nonexistant, the main bad guy appears maybe twice in the entire game, once when he’s introduced, and once when you kill him. I guess all the time you don’t see him is when he’s doing shit exciting enough to write a book about. Maybe they should make a game about that next.

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG

James Vega (Mass Effect 3)
Handsome Jack (Borderlands 2)
Victor (The Darkness 2)
The Didact (Halo 4)

And the winner is…

peter-molyneux

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Only Peter Molyneux’s douchebaggery is big enough to get him to win a category he isn’t even nominated in. Molyneux might be the biggest asstwat in the industry at the moment. There’s only so far vision can take you until you have to have the talent to back it up. Sadly for Peter his talent dried up sometime around Dungeon Keeper, yet his ridiculous idea pool is as bountiful as ever. His biggest venture of the year, Curiosity, has proved that even Peter can under deliver on the promise of a game where you do nothing but tap the screen of your phone. A game you could play blindfolded. While asleep. And yet it still manages to disappoint due to awful net code and just flat out not working for most people. Couple this with the fact that he’s got more money than most small countries and has  taken to cyber begging to help him re-release a game he made in the 1980s, which you can guarantee will still somehow manage to underwhelm, and you have a dicknut of colossal proportions.

OVERALL WORST GAME

Max Payne 3
Darksiders 2
Assassins Creed 3
Hitman: Absolution

And the winner is…

Hitman-Absolution-Box-Art-360

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hitman: Absolution might just be one of the worst games ever made. I know there are technically worse game, in terms of bugs and general unplayableness, but Absolution takes the cake for spectacularly missing the mark of what made previous Hitman games so enjoyable. It’s like if they made a sequel to The Matrix and instead of kickass Humans vs Machines in cyberspace warfare it was all about people endlessly talking about bullshit and ridiculous dance sequences.
Hitman was always a flawed franchise, even it’s best iteration, Blood Money, is flawed as hell. Yet instead of taking the Hitman formula and perfecting it, IO decided what people wanted was yet another 3rd person cover shooter with a fucking abysmal plot. It’s an embarrasing game on many levels, it’s unpleasant in a way i cant even describe, it has a horrible tone flowing through it’s entire body, it’s a nasty, vile little piece of work that deserves to be erased from History. There’s a fucking quote for your box art, IO.

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