Darksiders 2

Release: Out Now
Format: PS360/PC

There’s 2 kinds of disappointment in this life, the expected kind, like when you buy a lottery ticket and say to yourself “nah, i’ll never win”, and even though you secretly hope maybe, just maybe, this is your lucky day, you know deep down you wont. So when your numbers fail to come up yet again, and you realize your life really is worthless and shit and you down another glass of Whisky and beat your Wife for the rest of the evening, it really isn’t that unexpected.
But there’s an altogether worse kind of disappointment, the kind that’s unexpected, like rain out of a clear blue summer sky, or when Kelly Brook got her baps out for Playboy. For years we’d all been dying for her to free the Brook 2, only to be met with bitter disappointment when she finally did and they they turned out to be saggy and unshapely, and basically the breast embodiment of Darksiders 2.

Darksiders was a game that noone, not even it’s devs, expected to do well. Thanks to word of mouth, and the fact that Nintendo haven’t released a good Zelda game since the early 2000’s, Darksiders Zelda-like gameplay mixed with fantastic post apocalyptic Heaven Vs. Hell scenario helped it gain recognition and ultimately become somewhat of a cult classic. Let’s also not forget the fact that greatest living actor Vernon Fucking Wells was the voice of Demon Samael and you’ve a stone cold classic on your hands.

So terrifying was his portrayal of deranged Captain Bennett in Commando he was the obvious choice for super evil demon Samael in Darksiders

I loved the damn shit out of Darksiders. It’s story was engrossing, it’s gameplay, while a straight up Zelda rip off, was always entertaining (except for the final fucking fetch quest), and its setting, in a world hundreds years past the death of the last human, and now ruled by Demons, was an enjoyably different spin on the post apocalyptic genre. The games ending is also of note, for being one of the best endings to a game in recent memory, the final line uttered by protagonist War, “No…not alone”, while his 3 Horsemen brethren race to his Aid from out of the fucking Sky, only for the screen to fade to black, was possibly the only good cliffhanger ending of all time. Unless you count the ending of Cliffhanger, which was an ending anyone who’s seen that movie was longing for.
So it makes perfect sense, that for the sequel, Vigil Games would wisely take Darksiders cool as fuck protagonist War, the setting, and the entire god damn story of the first game and just fire all that shit in a bin labelled “crap we couldn’t give less of a fuck about”, so they can spin the motherfucking riveting yarn of Death, and his Crow Dust, who wander around in some fucking fantastical land filled with giants who are having a competition to see who can do the worst Scottish accent possible, and doing sweet fuck all, until the goddamn credits roll. In terms of disappointing sequels this makes The Matrix Reloaded look like the fucking Godfather part 2.

“Hi i’m Death. Yes, the grim reaper, thats me. What do you mean you’ve never heard of me??”

In what’s possibly the worst example of storytelling ever, Death (that’s you), takes a trip to the Land of the Dead. Oooh this is gonna be sweet, you think, and maybe if the story had been written by people who actually gave a shit, it would have been, but in this Land of the Dead, noone knows who Death is. Think about it, The Grim goddamn Reaper, goes to a land full of people he fucking sent there by KILLING THEM, only to be met with blank stares, and to be asked to go fetch 3 boars bollocks from the enchanted Forest or some gay shit. That’s like Colonel sanders walking into a KFC and having the staff kick him out for smelling of piss.
Death, in Darksiders 2, is everyones bitch. Whereas War at least had an excuse for having to do peoples dirty work for them (being stripped of his former power and all), Death is just like the fucking FedEx of the Land of the Dead. If you need 3 boars bollocks from the enchanted forest, or 3 Skeletons Toenails, and you need that shit delivered yesterday, you goddamn better well call up the grim reaper, boss him about, and get him to fetch that shit for you pronto.
The worst part of this fetch quest rubbish? I still have no idea why i’m even doing it. Death mumbles some shit about clearing War’s name at the start of the game, and really thats it. Thats supposed to be motivation enough for you to endure 20 hours of being bossed around like a skinny white kid in Prison.
Darksiders 2 takes Fetch quests to bold new places, with people giving you fetch quests within fetch quests within fetch quests. If awards were given based on amount of fetch quests and ability to shoehorn pointless fetch quests into other fetch quests, Darksiders 2 is Game of the godamn year, every year.

I was going to put in a picture of Darksiders 2 here, but then realized this picture of War is way cooler than anything in DS2, so here it is.

One of the worst aspects of Darksiders 2 is it’s characters. Nearly everything in Darksiders had character and charm dripping out of it, from War himself, to Samael, to Ulthane, The Watcher, everyone was well designed, scripted and acted. Darksiders 2 by comparison is bereft of a single decent character. Death himself is a complete pussy, and a pretty criminal waste of a good voice actor in Michael Wincott who you may remember as the guy girls didn’t want to bang from The Crow. Your sidekick this time around is Dust, who pretty much sums up Darksiders 2. Hes unnecessary, dull, and adds nothing of value to the game. In Darksiders, you had The Watcher, a malevolent sprite bound to you eternally to make sure you did the councils bidding, voiced by Mark Hamill of Star Wars and Star Wars Christmas Special fame. He was interesting, well acted, and useful as a sidekick. Dust, by comparison, is pointless. As a gameplay device, he sucks goblin cocks. He’s supposed to help you navigate to your next area, but generally just flies in circles like a fucking retard. As a sidekick, hes a mute fucking bird who never says or does one single goddamn interesting thing in the entire game. You could’ve replaced him with a fucking glowing waypoint marker and noone would give a shit.

Darksiders 2, im afraid to say, is my disappointment of the year. I was so hyped for this game after the incredible ending of Darksiders, that this game being such a letdown almost feels like a slap in the face to fans. It has barely anything in common with the first game’s story, and anyone hoping to find out what happens to War will likely have to wait for Darksiders 3. But, if DS2 is anything to go by, Darksiders 3 will completely ignore everything in DS1 and 2, and instead tell the tale of The 3rd Horseman, Famine, who likely starves to death shortly after the game begins, leaving us wide open for another disappointing sequel in Darksiders 4: How Pestilence got his groove back.

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