In the world of Cinema, even the best actors have had to take a shit role for the money. Just take a look at fine actors like Robert DeNiro, or Al Pacino, whos careers have been an unmitigated cornucopia of sewage post 1994. Youd have to ask yourself, what the fuck were they thinking when DeNiro said “Yes, a lead role in little Fockers will look great on my Resume next to The Godfather 2, “, or Pacino said “This Gigli film sounds amazing, and a chance to co-star with Ben Affleck! Who could say no?”.
The point we’re establishing here is that even the best have a shit stain in their drawers. And its no different for videogames, when even the best developers throw in a section that leaves you wondering “What the fuck were they thinking??”
The purple monkeys in Uncharted 2 give monkeys everywhere a bad name
Uncharted 2 is a fine game, one of the best of this generation even. The graphics are stunning, and the believable, lifelike interaction between the leads gives it a real Hollywood feel. The platforming may be a bit ropey what the hell you cant have everything right? As a game it stands pretty much head and shoulders above 90% of the competition right now, and surely would’ve been regarded as possibly the best 3rd person action/adventure game of all time, if not for the fucking moron who decided this was a good idea:
So after about 7 hours of fighting human enemies, Uncharted’s developers decided to mix things up a little. They did something similar in Uncharted 1 with the introduction of some weird zombie Nazi things, and as irritating as they were, they were at least killable in a couple of hits.
Not so with the purple monkey shitdicks in Uncharted 2. These fucking things are like shooting at a purple brick wall. Theres zero hit detection on them so that even when you do unload several full magazines into them, they barely flinch and theres nothing on screen to tell you your shots are even registering. After about 5 minutes trying to kill one of the fucking things i was convinced there was some trick to killing them i just hadn’t discovered. But no, they’re just shit, and take forever to kill. It would be bad enough to completely take a shit like this on the ending of an average game, but the taste is even more bitter to have the entire ending secion of a great game absolutely ass molested by such lazy, uninspired, ham fisted design. I honestly shudder to think of the level of mental retardation that must’ve affected the designer who took a look at this and thought “Hmm, semi-invincible purple monkeys, thats a fantastic way to end a game that up til now was somewhat grounded in reality!”.
Couple that with the fact that when you eventually do get past the purple monkeys, you then have to contend with the laziest, crappiest, most offensively bad boss fight of the generation, and you’d be forgiven for assuming Naughty Dog went on holidays before wrapping up Uncharted 2 and handed production over to the fucking office tea lady.
Dead Space and the shittiest game of asteroids ever
Dead Space was a pretty great game. It played like Resident Evil 4 meets Event Horizon, tho due to a lack of Sam Neill is obviously inferior. But it’s lack of Sam Neill aside, it was a pretty fun corridor 3rd person zap em up, and even tho some limp wristed ladyboys will tell you it’s terrifying, it’s really not that that scary. If you found Doom 3 scary, then, A) you’re a pussy, and B) yes you might find Dead Space somewhat scary. But it was atmospheric, with great audio, great graphics & lighting, and it’s ‘remove the limbs’ mechanic of mutilating enemies was fun more or less from beginning to end.
But then this bit happened
The developers, in a desperate attempt to mix up gamepaly that really didn’t need mixing up, task you with blasting asteroids that are hurtling toward the ship. At first, it seems like a nice change of pace, until you realise youre playing literally the worst thing in a videogame EVER.
It’s almsot as if they made a conscious decision to mix up the gamepaly in the worst possible way and it came down to a choice between either
A) shooting invincible asteroids and failing over 9000 times before either giving up or getting lucky,
B) having you file numerous ships logs accounting for all the damage and subsequent financial renumerations payable to the ships owners for recklessly discharging a plasma cutter indoors.
And im not entirely convinced they made the right choice.
I cant decide between the driving section in Gears 1 & 2
I fucking love Gears of war. Seriously. I would make love to Gears of war if i could. It’s mix of ‘so awful its actually incredible’ dialog, macho homo-erotic space marines, OTT gore, and one-liners means that even if Cliffy B came over to my house and raped me i’d still buy Gears 3.
But, like every other game so far on this list, the developers decided you weren’t having enough fun killing things with a fucking chainsaw strapped to an assault rifle, and figured your enjoyment of the game would skyrocket by making you rage your way through some of the most fuck assed vehicle sections ever committed to the medium. The culprit? This fucking thing.
In an absolutely baffling decision, Epic games decided it would be quite spiffing if you got to drive a tank, over a frozen lake, while dodging artillery. Artillery that smashes the lakes Ice. Creating holes it’s next to impossible to avoid, unless you learn where theyre going to appear by playing, and failing, this secion over, and over.
Whats more baffling however is the fact that Epic made the exact same fucking mistake in Gears 1, which saw you driving some other shitbox at 2 miles an hour down an empty road while dodging birds that can only be killed by stopping the fucking vehicle and turning on a spotlight. How they didn’t learn from the feedback of every single person who bought the game telling them ‘THE VEHICLE SECTION WAS WORSE THAN SHIT’ is beyond me.
Grand theft Auto 4 has never heard of auto-saving
It always irks me somewhat when journalists point to Rockstar as a gleaming example of what all game devs should aspire to be. Rockstar struck gold with GTA3, a truly generation defining game that changed the way people looked at games. Almost 6 years of game development had passed betweent he release of GTA3 and GTA4. Alot of time to learn what needs improving in your game, and ample time to make the improvements.
So GTA4 was the best game ever made, and ushered in a new era of videogaming where absolutely nothing bad ever happened in games and QA testers round the world went redundant as there were no more bugs or bad gamepaly elements and Rockstar won the nobel prize for game design and i got a blowjob from Milla Jovovich.
This mission. This fucking mission. Of all the horrible mis-steps GTA4 made that turned it from a 10 into a 7, this fucking mission was the worst.
The mission in question is called ‘out of comission’. The final mission of the game. Which sees you taking revenge for your cousins murder, or his wifes murder, one or the fucking other. So lets see what you have to do
- Chase goons in high speed car chase
- Eliminate warehouse full of heavily armed goons
- Chase a boat while on a motorbike (the fuck?!)
- Fly a chopper and blow up the boat
- Chase goon on foot
- Beat goon to death
All of which must be done without a single fucking checkpoint. Yes, youre expected to do the whole goddamn thing over and over from start to finish if you die. THIS ISN’T TWO THOUSAND AND FUCKING TWO. Game design from 2002 doesn’t fucking cut it anymore. Christ.
Okami has deja-vu all over again
I’d be hard pressed to name a game better than Okami on the PS2, besides maybe SOTC. Okami was a Zelda clone that was better than Zelda. It’s art style was absolutely beautiful, and aside from the irritating gibberish voices everyone in the game has, the story and characters were engrossing and likeable.
Okami the wolf god thing is tasked with killing the evil demon thing Orochi. After about 10 hours of Zelda-lite gameplay, you come face to face with the big bad himself:
Oh no wait, he’s back again. Yeah, turns out you didnt kill Orochi after all. Sorry. So ten hours later you fight him again. After an epic battle, Orochi is bested, and peace once again reigns supreme. The end.
Ehhh..yeah, about that. Turns out you didnt kill him again. SORR-EE. Fast forward another ten hours! Time for ANOTHER Orochi boss fight! Isn’t this fun??
Mass Effect thinks it’s Colin McRae DiRT
Mass Effect was one of the best games on the 360 when it was released. Hell, it’s still one of the best games on 360. The game plays like you always imagined it would be like to be William Shatner. Cruising about the galaxy, teaching alien women how to love, blowing up giant space alien tyrants, saving the entire universe, and did i mention making love to hot fem-aliens? Oh, and not forgetting, driving around in this thing:
Quite easily, as it turns out. The mako space buggy in Mass Effect was the equivalent of finding a pube in your McFlurry. It served literally no purpose other than padding out the game, as all you did was drive it through some horrible vehicle combat sections before you could arrive at the parts that everyone wanted to play, e.g. fucking a goddamn female alien. It handled like crap, would explode just because an enemy looked at it, and as shit as it was when you had to use it in an actual story mission, using it for the optional planet exploration was fucking excruciating.
Bioware saw sense for Mass Effect 2, and completely shitcanned the mako, and and made up for torturing us with it by letting us bone each and every alien we come across in the game. Thank you, Bioware.
Darksiders steals all the worst bits from Zelda, and does it even worse
Ask anyone what their favourite Zelda game is, and if they’re not retarded, they’ll say ‘A link to the past’. This is the correct answer. The WRONG answer is ‘The wind waker’. Wind Waker is a great game, but decided to fuck itself up the ass by padding out the end of the game for several pointless hours by making you sail across the ocean looking for broken bits of an item you didnt even know you needed up until you’re told you have to find it. So you spend about another 4 hours doing the most boring aspect of the game (sailing), and trying to find some shitty items just so you can finish the game. This is commonly known as the ‘we ran out of ideas so added in a fetch quest’ gameplay device, and it’s complete bullshit.
Darksiders was a bit fo a Zelda rip off, but did it well enough to be a pretty bloody great game. It had a good art style, a cool post-apocalyptic setting, and what other game lets you play as one of the 4 horsemen of the fucking apocalypse?? Darksiders borrowed many ideas from Zelda. Most of them were good.
Most of them.
Until you get to the end of the game, and before you can confront the end game boss, oh, what a fucking shock, you now have to go trek your way across the entire god damn game world from beginning to end to track down the broken fragments of some god damn sword. Like the 7 foot long 2 foot wide sword of ultimate destruction youre currently carrying isn’t capable of the fucking job. So you spend another 4 hours or so on a useless fetch quest wholly uninspired by the triforce of power fetch quest last seen in The wind Waker.
It’s just lucky for the developers of Darksiders that they included this man in the game:
VERNON MOTHERFUCKING WELLS.
Vernon Wells provides the voice for the demon Samael. and quite frankly Vernon Wells should provide the voice for every single character in every single fucking game ever made. If i had my way Darksiders wouldv’e been renamed Vernon Wells kicks the shit out of hell and every character wouldve worn a little chainmail vest with a belt around the middle that turns it into a chainmail skirt and had a pushbroom mustache