RRRRRRRGH ARGH FUCK IM SO ANGRY LOOK AT MY FUCKING ANGRY FACE, HNNNNGHHH MUST KILL EVERYTHING I SEE TO PROVE JUST HOW GOD FUCKING PISSED BALLS OFF I AM REVENGE ON EVERYTHING RRRRRRRGH MUSCLES
Thus spake Kratos, the titular God of War, from the videogame, God of war.
If you enjoy misplaced rage, GOW is the game for you. As it seems that all that protagonist Kratos does for the entire series, is spend his time being PISSED OFF TO FUCK at anything, and everything. Inanimate objects, people, mythical creatures, you name it, Kratos is pissed off at it for some reason.
God of war 3 was my initiation into the series. After a brief recap of the ‘story’ on youtube, apparently Kratos is RAGING HIS FUCKING FACE OFF ARRRRGHHNNNNGH because his wife and son were killed in GOW1. Then he gets revenge on the gods for killing them. But doesnt stop until he’s taken revenge on every single thing in the universe, wether they were involved in his families demise or not. That just how fucking angry he is. As far as i can tell, most of the characters in GOW3 had nothing to do with his families death. But you kill them all anyway. I mean fuck it, its a good enough reason to kill them right? Hes the god of war, not the god of being a fucking pussy. Of course, cause anything else would require an explanation. This way he can kill people across the span of 3 games even tho his reason for wanting vengeance expired in the first instalment. DONT QUESTION. JUST RAAAAAAGE.
Speaking as someone new to the series, there really is absolutely no fucking explanation as to why youre doing what youre doing. Kratos is just killing shit for the pure fuck of it. And thats the problem, Kratos is wholly unlikeable as a character. He just comes across as being the worlds biggest king douchebag. Even people who try to help you over the course of the game are ripe for a dose of KRATOS RAGGGGGGE or KRAAAAAAGE as i like to call it. Kratos is an asshole. There is no depth or layers to his character that might help you get on his side, or root for him in his quest for (more) vengeance. Unlike say, Kain from Legacy of Kain, a brutal, murdering bastard who manages to be both likeable and interesting thanks to characterisation and good script writing, Kratos is unpleasant, unlikeable, and has only shows facet of his personality, and thats KRAAAAAAAGE. He’s angry, incessantly, needlessly, on the brink of comically FUCKING FUCK FUCKITY FUCK ARSE ANGRY.
Kratos is so angry, he can literally pull a mans head off. And im curious about this now, cause it actually has me thinking about the logistics of how the fuck you would go about actually pulling a head off. I mean, Kratos just pulls heads right. the. fuck. off. Really think about it, if you had someones head in your hands and you gave it a really hard tug, how much force would you need to exert in order to rip that sucker clean off the shoulders? And what would need to happen to you to get you that angry? Raped by a Clown? I mean if you consider the average human head weighs 8lbs, and the amount of pressure a vertebrae can withstand is roughly 75.3lbs per square inch, multiplied by the tensile strength of the Sternocleidomastoid muscles then by my calculation Kratos would need bicep muscles approximately the size of a ’98 Nissan Micra hatchback in order to successfully pull a head off. And thats before you factor in the sheer amount of rage needed too.
So we’ve established the hell out of the fact that Kratos is an angry, angry man. What does the game play like? Well, as youd expect for someone so angry, you kill lots of things by pressing X repeatedly. Theres combos, weapon upgrades, and a plethora of other shit. None of it matters really however as the game is so fucking uninspired to play. Seriously, Bayonetta may have been featured on this disappointments of the year list, but fuck at least it attempted some new shit even if it fell flat on its arse in the process. GOW3 has you killing so much shit that, much like Bayonetta would practically turn you gay from looking at so many tits per second, GOW will have you wishing you could just sit down and discuss things amicably with Zeus, like rational human beings/deities. Not every conflict has to be solved by ripping things heads off.
There are a few novel puzzles based around MC Eschers impossible structures drawnings, which were quite enjoyable, even if they are a pain in the fucking arse to solve. But thats about all i have positive to say about GOW3. Oh, and it looks quite pretty at times. It’s not too long. And umm….there’s some naked ladies in it. And head ripping off. So yeah, a few good points, but mostly its jsut about the head pulling. I mean fucking hell. That man is ANGRY. He PULLED A FUCKING HEAD OFF. Really, jsut think about that for a second, again. Really try to imagine how angry you’d need to bee to summon the strength to grab someones head and just twist that fucker off. Picture the hardest jam jar you ever opened now multiply it by 10. That’s how damn hard it would be.
But yeah, GOW3 was pretty shit.