Ah Bayonetta. A game that, on paper, sounded like it would’ve been my ultimate game of the year. Ultra violence? Check! Nudity? Check! Over the top action? Check fucking mate. Slap a few 9/10’s, and even a fucking 10/10 on top of that and holy shit, best game ever!
Bayonetta was a game that consisted solely of two distinct entities: Tits, and violence. Both good selling points, but both terrible premises to base a game on. See DOAXBV as an example of a shit game based solely on tits, and State of Emergency as a shit game based purely on violence.
So is Bayonetta basically some bastardisation of those two games? In a way, no. In another, more accurate way, yes it is.
Five minutes into Bayonetta, youll be laughing at the cornball cheesiness of it all, humming along to a nauseatingly twee j-pop rendition of ‘fly me to the moon’, and hammering YYYYYYYYYYYYY like youre life depended on it (which it does).
Fast forward 2 hours. By now, youll have heard ‘fly me to the moon’ approximately 3,269 times. Your ‘Y’ button will be a distant memory, and all that remains of it a smouldering hole in the top of your joypad. You will now be so turned off the sight of female genitalia you will genuinely be wishing an enormous phallus might just randomly appear on screen and do a bit of jizzing and float off. You will never want to see another woman shoot beams of light out of her crotch hole. Which is personally something i never thought id hear myself say. Fuck you, Bayonetta.
The core of the game is its combat, despite what the gratuitous nudity might have you think. Bayonetta however, obviously is unaware of the concept of ‘less is more’. The move list in Bayonetta is the length of a horses dick. Theres more moves on display than an 80’s disco. However the amount of time it takes to learn all these moves and actually execute them properly in combat is so god damn time consuming its easier to just keep hammering Y. Take a game like Darksiders, a bit more puzzle-y than Bayonetta, yes, but at its core its a brawler too. It doesnt have a litany of different moves, yet its combat still manages to be enjoyable, and deep enough if you want to get into it, or simple enough if you just want to whack out a few moves that look cool but are easy enough to remember. It may be oaky for apologists who have no life outside of masturbating to Bayonetta to spend hours learning each and every combo or whateverthefuck in Bayonetta, but for anyone else, when the combat gets ridiculously hectic, (and Bayonetta only knows two different styles of gameplay, hectic as fuck combat, and 20 minute cutscene listening to fly me to the moon), you’ll fall back to the old reliable YYYYYYYYY.
Not content with having confusing combat, at times Bayonetta feels the need to branch out and do something different. Only in this case, different = even fucking shittier. Levels ‘inspired’ by Sega classics Outrun and Space Harrier are no more than an agony laden trudge through some of the worst designed levels to indecently assault your senses since Battletoads. Youll almost wish you were back hammering whats left of your Y button. In an level ‘inspired’, or more accurately, ‘uninspired’, by Outrun, Bayonetta half arsedly rides a motorbike, then has to jump from between the rooftops of moving cars in what can only be described as an ordeal worse than being forcibly castrated. Bayonetta then rewinds it to ’89 and gives us a modern day interpretation of Space Harrier, much like AIDS is a modern day interpretation of The bubonic plague.
What is there to like about Bayonetta? Well, if you’re an aspie who feels compelled to absolutely master one solitary aspect of a given task, youll love learning off each and every single one of the thousands of combos. If you’re a japanophile, just fucking kill yourself first off, but i guess you’ll love how ‘omg its like soooo japanese and wacky!! KAWAII DESU ^_^!!’ it all is. For everyone else, avoid like you would a rapist hobo.