Welcome to disappointment Valley, in the fabulous State of New Vegas.
Population: Me.

Fallout: New Vegas is, obviously, the follow up to Fallout 3. Long time fans of the Fallout series were so excited over the return of Fallout 1 & 2’s original developers obsidian (formerly Black Isle) that they could barely take their hands off their dicks long enough to gush about it online. Good news for the hardcore fans, sadly, for people who enjoy playing a game, rather than struggling through a fucking mess of a game it’s about as bad as being told your dog has AIDS. Cancerous AIDS.
Fallout 1 & 2 may have started the whole series, but sadly as games from 1997 & 1998, they hold up about as well in 2010 as Hitlers foreign policies of 1936 would. But being honest, they didnt hold up all that well in 1998 either. Fallout 1 & 2 may have had a great concept, and done a great job at nailing the retro-futuristic look and tone that the series is famous for, but as games, they’re about as ham fisted as being elbow deep in a pigs arse. Throw into the mix the fact that obsidian are most famous lately for producing a buggy, disastrous, unfinished follow up to knights of the old republic, and yeah, most peoples balls werent exactly ablaze with excitement.

Ive been to Vegas and even i dont remember it being this brown

So, how did New Vegas turn out? In a word, disappointing. In two words, kinda shit. As an enormous fan of Fallout 3, i was definitely in the excited camp about New Vegas. Within 3 or 4 hours of actually playing it, i was in the ‘this is complete shit’ camp. Several hours after that, i was back in the ‘this is great!’ camp. Now, almost 40 hours later, im firmly setting up shop in the ‘this is more disappointing than George Lucas’ career post 1980’s’ camp.
What’s wrong with New Vegas then? First off, over familiarty is a bitch. Fallout 3 wasn’t the prettiest of games (unless you were a PC owner), so it was a kick in the balls to find that it actually looks worse than Fallout 3. This is an ass ugly game. Textures are muddy, the color palette is either brown or orangey brown, character models are completely unchanged from Fallout 3 with almost entirely identical faces/hair, and the pip-boy interface is entirely unchanged. I’m not advocating change purely for change’s sake, but re-using almsot the entire assets of Fallout 3 just smacks of being fucking lazy.
Additions made to the game seem to be there mainly to appeal to the hadcore fans of 1 & 2, which is like a band releasing an album solely to appeal to kids with aspergers. We now have multiple ammo types, and depending on who you’re fighting youll need to switch ammo on the fly, which in itself is so much fun i thought i might actually shit myself with rage. Nothing like trying to select the appropriate ammo type while youre being one-hit-killed by almost every fucking enemy in the game. Yes, New Vegas is a hard game. It’s a very hard game. In fact, if you arent gnawing on your controller within an hour, feel free to email me and i’ll buy you a blow job. Seriously. Almost every enemy you come across will kill you, with ease. At first, youll see new enemies like the cazadores, which look like mutant fruit flies, and think ‘Hah! I eat pieces of shit like this for breakfast’. Until you actually try and kill one and realise that in fact you are the piece of shit, and the cazadore is chowing down to a breakfast buffet of shit sandwich. Remeber the Radscorpions from Fallout 3? Remeber how they were a bit tough but youd almost always manage to beat them 1 on 1? Yeah well forget that shit because New Vegas enjoys nothing more than spawning 4 or 5 of the fucking things at a time and sending them all in your direction. I literally died more times in the opening hour of New Vegas than i did in the entirety of FO3.

Welcome to New Vegas. Enjoy your stay. And by 'Enjoy', we mean, 'hate it to death'

Another allegedly improved aspect of New Vegas is its dialogue and story, which, if fanboys are to be believed, is head and shoulders above Fallout 3. Well, let me tell you now, that the next person to tell you that, is a cunt. The dialogue in New Vegas is improved over FO3 in the same way that getting a kick in the face is improved over getting a kick in the balls. Obsidian seem to have ‘improved’ the dialogue by taking Fallout in a new direction, a direction of toilet humour and rape jokes. AMAZING! Thats worthy of praise, for sure. Upon entering the town of freeside i was accosted by a male whore, a soldier who told me he ran away form a bunch of enemies to avoid getting ‘his ass raped’, and how he valued ‘his ass virginity’ (A fucking plus writing there, obsidian, fucking Kudos), i spent most of my time in freeside recruiting prostitutes for a local bar, including an HILARIOUS sex robot called fisto, i met another female soldier who had actually been raped, the fucking list goes on.
Sorry, but if this dialogue is improved, im assuming the last game you played was beat ’em and eat ’em on the Atari 2600.

Beat em and eat em, a game where you score points by wanking off a building into womens mouths. Obsidian are currently in talks for a gritty next gen reboot of the series

One thing Obsidian certainly cant be accused of however, is good programming. This game is buggier than frog shit. Companions will vanish, never to return, but will magically re-appear if you go to a certain location and take an elevator, another ridiculous bug was people being unable to enter the town of freeside unless theyre wearing a specific HAT. What the FUCK? At this stage i think that’s not a bug but just the most obscure puzzle of all time. “Why is my game crashing constantly?” “You’re not wearing the entrance hat!” “OF COURSE!! It’s so obvious!”

So, thats the majority of the flaws out of the way. What’s good about New Vegas? Well…its got a great soundtrack, if you really enjoy listening to Dean Martin’s ‘aint that a kick in the head’ endlessly. The quests are quite well done and have tons of different ways to complete them (but in a game that can take up to 80 hours to complete, do you really want to replay it jsut to see the alternative options??). The sheer amoutn of quests means youll be playing it this time next year, especially when you factor in DLC.
New Vegas, despite all this ranting, certainly isnt a bad game. Its just a massively flawed one. And hugely disappointing after the excellent Fallout 3.

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