Every so often it seems games media seem to enjoy gangpiling onto  a game to give it a right royal reviews buggering. Arms greased to the elbow, they dont stop  ripping it a new one ’til every gamer around is convinced it’s the worst thing to happen to gaming since Bobby Kotick of Activision was conceived in a satanic orgy a la Rosemary’s Baby.

Kane & Lynch 2 is this months game that it’s cool for reviewers to hate.


K&L2, isn’t a game without issues. For one thing, it’s a follow up to a game that was also critically panned, and at the center of a review score rigging scandal that resulted in some reviewer being fired, yadda yadda. You know this already. So expectations for K&L2 were about as high as an 8yr olds nuts.
Then, the initial trickle of reviews came in, a 1/10 here, a 4/10 there. Ouch. So the game’s shit, right?

WRONG.

Unfortunately, the dialogue in K&L2 doesnt have any deep moral implications or soul searching therefore its a shit game

Womanly reviewers out there will complain like they’re ovulating an ostrich egg about the bad dialogue, the imprecise shooting mechanics, the flimsy story, the fact that “all you do is shoot and not much else”. That’s because most reviewers are pussies and faggots.
One of  the biggest gripes to be whinged into existence so far is concerning the visual style of K&L2. The game is presented in the style of being recorded by someone carrying a handicam and having uploaded the footage on the internet, complete with pixel distortion, shakycam, and noise interference from explosions etc. If you’ve seen cloverfield, you know what to expect. 
Ironically, this visual style which has given people cause to complain like they just just found a severed ear in their corn flakes, gives the game an incredibly unique look, with the help of numerous fancy post processing effects and filters, one that helps make the game look more ‘real life’ than anything else out there. So what it boils down to is if you were able to enjoy something like cloverfield without throwing up, you’ll be fine with K&L2 and might actually be able to enjoy its unique presentation rather than crying and whingeing  about it like it just pushed you down, stole your lunch money and dropped a massive greener on your face.

The Story doesn't reference Ayn Rand novels either so it MUST BE SHIT

The actual meat and potatoes of any game, is obviously, it’s gameplay. Another area where K&L2 has come under criticism, mostly because of inaccurate shooting, bullet sponge enemies, and the fact that all you do is shoot things, apparently. Given these criticisms, one can only assume each and every review copy was sent out with a promotional pair of industrial grade mittens everyone was required by law to wear while playing, accompanied by Kane & Lynch branded toilet seat with which to repeatedly smash themselves in the face with,  in order to successfully arse up their vision so much they they are incapable of holding a fucking controller and aiming at things like any human being that that was blessed with 2 eyeballs and 2 hands and didn’t only recently learn to stand upright and not eat their own faeces can do. So any and all complaints about imprecise shooting, or bullet sponge enemies really only apply if you’re the type of person for who is required by law to wear a bicycle helmet all day.


A lack of variation in setting, is another complaint that has cropped up. Unfortunately for shit munching troglodytes everywhere, the seedy underbelly of Shanghai was not blessed with any rolling green fields, space stations, or far off planets where effeminate teenagers battle fantasy monsters to save the galaxy. what it was blessed with, are sweatshops, dirty neon lit streets, and grime. All of which are represented fantastically in K&L2. Permit me to present you with a small compare/contrast of the K&L version of Shanghai and the real life Shanghai 

Not pictured: The shanghai opera house, moon base, the louvre, or fantasy space elves

And our artists impression of the Shanghai reviewers had in mind when they were complaining about the shanghai of K&L2

Pictured: The shanghai most people know and love complete with top hat gizmo, elves and top gun

It’s unfortunate that gizmo in a top hat wasn’t present in the final version of K&L’s Shanghai, as that would’ve actually been fucking incredible.

And finally, the length of the single player campaign is also a matter of debate, weighing in at roughly 5 hours. “I finished it in one setting!” people have screamed, but if youre the kind of no life wastrel who can actually waste 5 hours of your day finishing a game you dont like, i think you have bigger concerns than the length of K&L2 such as, how does a shower work, will this rash ever disappear, or when your next sign on day is.

So K&L2, it’s not perfect. It does have nothing more than shooting people in Shanghai to offer. It can make you a bit seasick if you’re a namby pamby nearly man who has mittens pinned to his jacket all year round. What it does have is atmosphere in spades, intense, non stop action, a new and unique presentation, and enjoyment enough for anybody who actually wants to sit down and just play a game rather than complain about what’s missing from it and what could have been.

Advertisements