Grand Theft auto 4 released just over 2 years ago to the collective sound of games journalists the world over slurping on Rockstar’s slimy, engorged phallus. About a week after its release, when the hype had died down, most peoples reactions to the game were either “Why the fuck do i have to go on a date with this stupid bitch when i could be stealing cars?” or “Why the fuck am i going out for dinner with my fat fuck cousin when i could be killing hookers like this was a Peter Sutcliffe simulator?”.
So yes, GTA4 was an enjoyable yet flawed game, that suffered at the hands of the usual internet backlash to something being popular, for which i have concocted the following formula:
if X = “popular videogame series”
and Y = “amount of people who like it”
X added to Y, multiplied by sales figures > 1,000,000 units =
amount of shit eating trolls who will tell you popular game franchise X is “mainstream shit for fucking casuals”
Which was more or less GTA4’s fate. So, faced with a backlash of pure rage not seen since the reaction to George Bush’s handling of Hurricane Katrina, Rockstar did what any competent developer would do: added parachutes & sex scenes, but left in all the horrible controls and terrible mission design. And thats more or less Gay Tony in a nutshell. It’s GTA4, only with some hilariously over the top weaponry and ideas, which sounds great on paper, yet it somehow manages to fuck itself in the ass with some of the worst gameplay yet seen in a 3rd person action game.
The story is so uninspired and predictable it couldv’e been a straight to DVD masterpiece. Luis somebody is a stereotypically gruff latino just released from prison, and running errands for his hi-fucking-lariously gay business partner and nightclub mogul, Gay Tony. As we all know, gays = comedy. So gay tony flings more gay stereotypes at you than an afternoon with Jim Davidson and a risen from the grave Bernard Manning. Comedy gays mince across the screen with reckless abandon, snort coke like its going out of style, and every single one of them is a 90lb limp wristed walking stereotype straight out of a 12yr olds imagination. It honestly feels at times like they chose the setting and characters solely so they could turn the game into an endless river of fag jokes.
But childish and frankly retarded views on homosexuality is but one of the many, many, fuck up’s commited by Gay Tony. You may recall a game released in 2006 called Gears of war. Well Gears more or less introduced the cover based shooting mechanic to the masses, which in turn spawned more limp wristed imitators than a transvestite beauty pageant. GTA4 stole this mechanic, only by ‘stole’ it, i mean, stole it, was caught, and got sentenced to 20 years in a ‘pound-me-in-the-ass’ prison.
The cover based shooting mechanic in GTA4 didn’t fucking work. But rather than address the issue, Rockstar have implemented it in the exact same way as it was previously, only now to compensate for the shortcomings of one of the worst gameplay mechanics yet seen, you have a comedy homo wailing ‘OH LUIS, PUR-LEEEEEZE THAVE ME FROM THE BAD MEN AND I’LL THUCK YOUR CAWK!!’ while you skitter about like somebody in the midst of a violent seizure trying desperately to hide behind cover to avoid the myriad gangsters trying to ventilate your skull. Thats just one example of an absolute turd of a mission. Not content with having awful controls for on foot sections, Gay tony revels in torturing you with helicopter based missions like a schoolboy pulling the appendages off a greenfly. Again, this all sounds great on paper. In execution, desperately trying to shoot down enemy choppers with a helicopter thats about as responsive as a coma victim, without any kind of aiming assist, or even a heat seeking missile to your name, is an unrelenting chore.
The cover shooter debacle is a deplorable aspect of Gay Tony. But this is Rockstar, right? There’s bound to be tons of other fun shit in the game!
Well let’s take a look at some of the other fun distractions to be had outside of the main storylines fuck assed attempts at gameplay:
Club Management: club management lets you relive your wildest fantasies of hanging out in a club on your own, staring at people, following people around, and basically acting like a rapist looking for a drink to spike. Sounds like fun alright, but its actually more like a game of walking around a room and not actually doing anything until the game tells you youve walked around enough to be a successful club manager. Oh i should also point out that if you complete the dancing mini game (which involes pressing the stick left or right supposedly in time with the music, but in reality is literally impossible to fail), you get to fuck a whore in the toilets. Just like in real life.
Base Jumping: This is probably the single most baffling fuck up in the entire game. It’s like the developers sat down and thought “Gentlemen, we need to find a way to make throwing yourself off a skyscraper with a parachute on your back NO FUCKING FUN“. And by Christ they managed it. How? By making you jump through hoops like this shit was fucking Superman 64. Yes, you cant just fling yourself off a building for fun, you have to follow a set path of hoops to fly through, or land on a moving target, or some other fucking inexplicable criteria that keeps you from having any goddamn fun.
Hanging out with friends: Hanging out with friends in Gay tony is still as irritating as it is in real life, having some dickhead calling you every 30 minutes asking if you want to go do some inane bullshit that gets in the way of you stealing cars just so it can further the already completely forgettable and laughably childish storyline.
Cage Fighting: Cage fighting! Here’s something that couldn’t possibly fail to be awesome, right? WRONG! Not only did GTa4 have one of the worst cover shooter mechanics, it also has one of the worst hand to hand combat mechanics in a 3rd person action game of all fucking time. So now you too can experience the rush of two opponents shuffling around each other like old ladies who’ve misplaced their walkers, while one randomly lashes out the same one kick over and over until his opponent falls down. Thats libery city cage fighter. Its fucking trash.
So all things considered, The Ballad of Gay Tony is a load of shit. Sorry to be so blunt about it but i haven’t come across a game in so long that has actually angered me as much as TBOGT. Not because its a terrible game, but because all the ingredients are there to make an incredibly good game, yet it comes together like a lego set made by Helen Keller. Its got tighter graphics, the music is far, far better than GTA4, and the new weapons are as over the top as each and every gay character in the game. However, slapping all this extra fluff on the same old tired gameplay, the same woefully designed missions, the same broken hand to hand combat/cover shooting, is the equivalent of putting a tiara on a pig. Sure, it’s wearing a nice tiara, but its still a fucking pig.