The game that had kids in the early 90’s wondering “why is that man wearing makeup and why is he called Abigail?” minces it’s way to Xbox live.
Before street fighter 2, there was Final fight. Final Fight was one of those games that you had to play in the early 90’s. If you hadn’t played it, you were either the poor kid who couldn’t afford the 50p for a game, or the kid with the weird religious parents who wouldnt let him go to the arcade. Every kid had their favourite character, but mostly everyone just picked Haggar because back then you had no clue what a ‘gay bear’ was and just thought he looked like a badass wrestler.
Note: for the love of god, do not google ‘gay bear’.
It’s sadly, literally impossible to review Final Fight without going into detail about how fabulous the whole affair is. Personally, i draw a direct correlation between the rise in homosexuality since the 80’s and Final fight’s debut in the arcades at that time. This game literally could not be any gayer if it sidled up to you in a bar, slid its hand down the back of your jeans, and tiddled your ringpeice with a salacious glint in its eye. It’s amazing gayness is only matched by Vendetta, a game that actually has mincing gay enemies whos attacks include attempted buggery, humping your leg, and holding you down and licking you. And yet somehow Final Fight still manages to be even gayer.
Enemies in final fight include:
- A man named Abigail who wears makeup and a leopard print wife beater
- An assortment of men who wear makeup and leopard print wife beaters (yes theyre just pallette swops of each other but it means at times youre literally beating up a room full of men in skin tight pants, leopard print, and makeup)
- A wrestler whos name is ‘sodom’ (including the ‘sodomised’ achievement for beating him’)
- Pre/post op Trannys called Roxy & Poison
- A Cop who may or may not be based on Bennett from commando (mustached, mincing, wearing an ill fitting leather and chains style leather daddy getup)
- Several scenes set in public toilets in the middle of a park
So we’ve established just how relentlessly gay Final fight is. Is it any good? Is it fuck!! Final fight was the beat em up until Street Fighter 2 came along. In the 90’s, it wasn’t gay men beating up gay men, it was badass wrestler Haggar pile driveinating the Mad gear gang, or Ninja Guy jump kicking peoples heads in, or the shit one Cody being not picked by anyone because of his innate shitness.
The game itself is as repetitive as a Tiesto greatest hits album. You walk from left to right, and you beat the shit out of people. There is no variation on this theme. Some might call it repetitive to the point of utter boredom, others would call it a pure beat em up experience devoid of shit mini games and unneccesary padding. This was the early fucking 90’s. We didn’t have waggle, we didnt have moral choices, DLC, or online multiplayer. It was a simpler time, when a fighting game involved nothing but fucking fighting.
The game itself is presented in a way designed to stir the loins of any arcade loiterer of those times. It’s borders are the actual arcade cabinet flyers, and the screen itself is slightly curved to give the impression youre playing on a CRT monitor. Music has been fully remastered and the graphics given a nice lick of paint for the HD era. It wont do much to won over new fans, as most of the slack jawed troglodytes on xbox live will be wondering A) why it looks like an explosion at a drag queen contest and B) why it isnt call of duty modern whorefare. For everyone else, its a fantastically remastered slice of 90’s gaming nostalgia.