Games are often dumped on for being seen as cinmeas younger, more retarded brother. Detractors point out that “game’s are only about shooting things and eating power pills scoff scoff”. These people are, naturally, shit eating fuckbags
But enthusiasts will point you towards a copy of Bioshock as an example of a game that tells a really great story, kinda. But the cretins aren’t entirely wrong, as you’ll see, games didn’t always have Bioshock levels of enthralling narrative..

DOUBLE DRAGON 3:  THE ROSETTA STONE

It’s a bit unfair to pick on beat em’ up’s as having shit stories, as there really is only so many reasons you can give the player for kicking the shit out of an entire town of people that isn’t “bad guy stole my girlfriend/insulted my mustache/etc”. Double dragon 3 had already exhausted all avenues of storytelling in a beat em thanks to Billy & Jimmy having their girlfriend (note: “their” girlfriend, apparently Maria was being passed around Billy & Jimmy like a joint at a party) kidnapped in Double Dragon 1, and then possibly having their mustaches insulted in Double Dragon 2.

So Double Dragon 3 takes a turn for the esoteric by introducing a mystical hag who sends Billy & Jimmy on a quest, for some stones.

So Billy & Jimmy spent 2 whole years honing their martial arts? Holy shit, in 2 years i had barely managed a fucking yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do. So you’ll forgive me for assuming thier martial arts probably isn’t as shit hot as those mullets and scowling faces would have you believe. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that the 2 years were probably spent snorting blow and spitroasting Maria while trying to repair the transmission on Jimmys 85′ Camaro so they can get out of this crud town and make something of their lives.

So it’s no fucking wonder the fabulous guido brothers were gullible enough to be suckered in by some wizened crone telling them that they should just  fuck off to Egypt, and go on a hunt for some goddamn rocks for no discernible reason. I guess a couple of lunkhead martial artists with dubious hairstlyes and even mroe dubious attitudes to monogamy would be my first choice when it came to digging up ancient Egyptian treasures too, rather than say, oh, i don’t know, a fucking archaeologist.


BAD DUDES VS. DRAGON NINJA

God, you know i actually feel really guilty putting Bad dudes in the list. not only does it have possibly the best title for a game in the history of videogaming, (Dragons that are actually Ninjas fighting  Bad dudes?? holy shit this must be amazing!) it also has a story so bad, so comincally inept, that it’s actually just fucking incredible.

And thats it. Rampant Ninja related crime has led to the President being kidnapped by a bunch of fucking Ninjas. You don’t need any more motivation than that to go out and beat hundreds of Ninjas into a bloody pile of twisted limbs and crushed faces. But lets expand upon this story ourselves for the purposes of this article.
First off, you have your titular Bad Dudes. They’re hanging out, being all Bad, clucking their tongues like a pair of old ladies over these rampant Ninja related crimes, like “tsk, those bloody ninjas were kicking their football against th’ side of my ‘ouse only last weekend!” “Thats nothing Mabel, i ‘eard from Mavis next door that she spotted some of them there ninjas doing that graffiti in t’ park! Bloody ninja related crimes these days..”
But then, shit gets real. Washington D.C is swarming with Ninjas. President Ronnie is kidnapped by said Ninjas, not content with thier usual Ninja related crimes of petty vandalism and ninja stars in the face. Imagine for one second a team of Ninjas sneaking across the white house lawn, possibly abseiling down the front of the building, taking out secret service goons with ninja stars and nunchucks, before kidnapping Barack Obama?? Fucking hell!! I take it all back, this story is literally incredible, i’m sure the Wachowskis are already lined up to direct the film adaptation as thier follow up to Speed racer and Ninja Assassin.

 
FINAL FIGHT 3

I know what you’re thinking, “how the hell can i be expected to make sense fo the plot of final fight 3 if you haven’t even shown us what happens in final fight 1 & 2?? Fuck you!!”. Well dont worry, because the plot to final fight 3 is basically the plot to final fight 1 & 2. That is, the worlds gayest street fighter, Mike Haggar, a.k.a. Don Frye who also happens to be mayor of Metro City, is using his gubernatorial powers to POUND THE FUCK out of the faces of every single member of the mad gear gang. And thats it. Fuck due process and jail time, Mike’s taking it back to the 1800’s vision of law enforcement and just plain killing the shit out of anyone who crosses him.


“Well i should hope so Guy, after all it’s only been about 5 years since fucking final fight 1. Hell even i managed to grow this sweet ass ponytail in the intervening years.”

“What?! I mean we saw the explosion and all, but just assumed it was it was a natural explosion of sorts, like when a tree explodes or something”

“What about the Cops?”
“Naw, fuck those guys. 2 unarmed men should be able to sort this shit out”

“lets get semi nude and wrestle!”

ALTERED BEAST

Altered beast was Sega’s attempt at a videogame reimagining of the Iliad & The Odyssey. So as you’d expect, it was a game filled with a rich narrative, sweeping epic stories, war, love, and all the other shit thats in those books. Zeus’ daughter has been kidnapped, and you must wise fwom your gwave to resc…oh no wait, its just Double Dragon with zombie greeks. Cue 5 levels of Greek heroes suffering from terminal roid rage who are only capable of walking from left to right, and kicking the head in of every single dog they see until they find Zeus’ daughter.

So rather than choose from any of the hundreds of you know, living, greek heroes, Zeus takes the much easier route of going about bringing some guy who’se head is roughly the size of a Terrys chocolate orange back to life, to rescue his daughter. Perhaps he was famous in his previous life for his dog kicking abilites, and lord knows he was going to need that shit to finish Altered Beast. There are literally hundreds of canine adversaries all waiting patiently for you to kick them back to hell.

HELP MY PECTORALS HAVE ENGULFED MY MOUTH

5. TWO CRUDE DUDES

Two crude dudes was like a low budget Bad dudes Vs. Dragon ninja. Which is the equivalent of saying Snakes on a train is a low budget version of Snakes on a Plane. Theyr’e both fucking hideous filmic abortions and everyone involved with their production should feel genuine shame when they look back on their lives and realise just what they’ve done. Two crude dudes does deserve credit however for (probably) inventing the post apocalyptic setting in videogames. It did it rather shittily however, like how Harold Shipman could be given credit for attempting to help the aged really fucking badly.


I have bad news for anyone living in New York this year. According to Two Crude dudes, 2010 will see a nuclear explosion that sends the city  into chaos. It’s not like, total anarchy or anything. Just a bit chaotic. Like the New York black outs. It’s only a nuke, and everyones dead, and the blackout is permanent. Bit of a minor inconvenience really. Fucking nukes, they ruin my day when they go off, really they do.

It took the U.S government 20 fucking years to barely get started on rebuilding after the destruction of one of its biggest cities? What the fuck else was so important they only got around to taking a look at it 2 fucking decades later? Obama probably had to step out to pick up another Nobel prize or something.

Yes, like the guy on the right there armed with a broken bottle. But shit, i guess after a nuclear holocaust being armed with a sharp stick probably counts as a bizarre and advanced weaponry.

So wait a second, you mean both their names are Two Crude dudes?? How the fuck does that work? Thats the equivalent of every member of 2 live crew being called 2 live crew. What kind of mother names her son ‘Two crude dudes’?. And how much of a fucked up coincidence is it to find two people with that name in the same City? Actually screw that, i’m calling my firstborn 2 crude dudes, regardless of sex, just for how fucking great it would be to go around shouting ‘TWO CRUDE DUDES! PUT DOWN THAT SCISSORS!” and ‘STOP THROWING CARS AT PEOPLE TWO CRUDE DUDES!!’ etc.

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