If the challenge in Aztec Challenge is “Avoid being raped to death by a crazed Aztec”, then this cover is surprisingly faithful to the games premise. This cover doesn’t so much hint at being a game based on raping native women, then it does ‘write it across the sky in hundred foot letters’.
If trawling through these video game boxes has taught me one thing, it’s that in a firefight, when you’re staring down 5 enemy helicopters at once, the best plan of attack is ‘point at it and scream with an expression on your face of constipated agony’.
Double Dragon 2: The Revenge
Outside of Commando, there was nothing else in the 80’s & early 90’s quite as homoerotic as videogame covers. I like to think of the cover of double Dragon 2 as being a metaphor for a gay man being dragged kicking and screaming out of the closet. We see an impossibly musclebound & bemulleted stud desperately clinging onto his beard (the woman), while he is literally being whip-dragged down into a gangpile of gay men. Well, that, or its just a really shitty cover.
Elfmania does the impossible and actually manages to make elves even fucking gayer than the Lord of the Rings trilogy made them. The Elf on the right looks like the worlds shittiest crossdresser thanks to his mohawk & miniskirt combo, while the buff stud Elf on the left looks like he’s greasing up that fist to the elbow in preparation for something unmentionable, while the less said about the fucking Pirate Elf female the better. HINT: it’s probably a man.
In the 16bit days, the game gamers were crying out for the most wasn’t racing sims, or shooters, gamers wanted an honest to god Janitorial simulator. Enter the worlds angriest Janitor, The custodian. Armed with what looks like the nintendo power glove and an anal probe/douche, you seriously dont want to live in this fuckers apartment complex.
If a picture can tell a thousand words, than this box art says at least 14 words. They are “Weeping native american is consoled by a dominatrix while the Fonz rapes some guy”
Monkeys, Storm Troopers, an angry Asian man, a guy holding in the world biggest fart, and Bamphonet. Crack down featured none of these, but its box art was FUCKING AWESOME.
ACTUAL DIGITISED PHOTOS! screams the box.
FORTY YEAR OLD TRANNY WITH JEREMY BEADLE HANDS screams the box art.
Kudos to the designer of Jets box art for trying to come up with a kind of post modern approach to videogame box art design, in that it shows the player, you, transported into the game and actually flying a fucking jet from his armchair. It’s just unfortunate that the end result looks more like a guy who’s had both feet blown off by a landmine watching TV in a room that has a 90 degree slant.
Line of Fire
Taking it’s inspiration from Cabal, Line of fire is another compelling argument for ‘pointing and screaming like a girl’ as a legitimate form of defence.
Metro Cross is what happens when Tony Hawk fucks Bez from The Happy Mondays. The results arent pretty, and have a penchant for spandex.
Mighty Bomb Jack
Poor bomb Jack. In game, he’s a cartoon super hero, who looks like a cross between Mickey Mouse and Superman. But in box art, he looks more a cross between Thor, a Viking, and a suicide bomber.
Moonfall might just be my favourite example of god awful box art down to just how unremittingly shit it is. Stick an even uglier version of ET in a space suit, draw some sperm behind his head and throw a bunch of dildoes and butt plugs in the background, cut, print, and hey presto! You get moonfalls cover!
Actually, scratch what i said about Moonfall. Pit Fighter is the new king in shit box art town. Where to begin? The gay stud beating up his diaper wearing slave like something out of the video for Relax by Frankie goes to Hollywood? The horribly photoshopped (or whatever passed for photoshop in 1991) disembodied hands? Elvira mistress of the Dark about to crack some guys face open? It’s the perfect storm of shittiness.
Romantic encounters at the Dome
I dont know what passes for a romantic encounter at the Dome. I’m fairly sure it’s something that would haunt you for the rest of your life going by this picture though. Also, the tagline “we promise you’ll get whats coming to you” does nothing to allay my fears that that ‘woman’ isnt planning on revealing a penis at some point during this romantic encounter.
I love the cover for shatter hand. It’s not just the Ray Ban wearing knucklehead, or that his thumb looks sorta like a dick, its that the mighty SHATTER HAND can only manage to take a small chip off of the ‘H’ in ‘hand’.
At first glance, you think ‘yeah, another shitty drawing, haha, that dog looks fucking crap’, but only after a few minutes of examination, do you realise what it is thats really wrong with Shadow Dancers cover.
The dog has an asshole on its neck.
Starways, the best game available that tasks you with hiding the worlds largest cubic zirconia in Donald Pleasance’s crotch.
All the wackiness in the Toobin’s cover (snakes! monkeys! guy being fatally attacked by a crocodile!) are just there to distract you from the fact that theres a BLACK GUY JERKING OFF IN THE BACKGROUND.