Aliens Vs Predator
Format: Xbox 360
Developer: Rebellion

For some time now, 10 years to be precise, Aliens & Predator fans have been waiting for a truly great Aliens & Predator experience. The last trip down Aliens & Predator lane that didn’t rape the shit out everything fans held dear, was probably either AVP2 for PC, or Alien Resurrection for PS1. But that game was based on a film that literally took a shit on the franchise and pretty much killed it stone dead, so it doesnt really count. Then, in 2004, Paul W.S. Anderson spent an evening drinking petrol and huffing paint fumes, and the next day woke to find he had written the script to Alien Vs Predator. A film so terrible 7/10 people questioned said they would rather be raped than watch it. Then in 2007, someone none of us have ever heard of, possibly a hobo hanging around the film studio, was hired to direct Alien vs Predator: Requiem (the latin subtitle adds class, see?), which was literally less pleasant than a bowl full of oral herpes. Can Rebellion deliver a slice of AVP that isn’t listed somewhere below “being fucked by a Dolphin” on people’s lists of “things  i wish i could erase from my memory forever”?

AVP developers Rebellion have had a long, and not altogether glorious career. They struck gold twice, once in 1994 with AVP for the Jaguar, and again in 1999 for the PC. Since then, their output hasn’t exactly been well recieved by reviewers, with games like Shellshock 2 receiving such lofty praise as:

If you want something to put on the box, Mr. Marketing Man, try this: “This is so bad, it is like beating old ladies to death with hammers.”  – PC Zone

 and Rogue Warrior,  slated by most people as the worst game since The Berenstein Bears on the NES.

You could call it cheap, exploitative trash, but it’s not actually that cheap, and the exploitation elements are probably the best thing it’s got going for it. Trash though? Absolutely – Eurogamer

 So hopes weren’t exactly sky high when Rebellion announced a new AVP game would be released in 2010. And on the back of peoples memories of Alien & Predator being absolutely raped to shit by the nauseatingly bad films, most had this game written off before it ever landed on a shelf.

They were wrong. DEAD wrong.

Predators: Not so stealthy they cant pose for the camera from time to time

AVP  is a game that will polarise opinions like no other game since Battle Raper 2. One one hand, people will piss and moan about the games old school vibe. The Marine is incapable of using iron sights, cant crouch, and generally cant do much more than walk, shoot, and if an alien gets too up close and personal, twat it in the face with the butt of a rifle. You’ll hear them complain that the Predators controls are too fiddly, and the button layout is un-customisable. And speaking of customisation, another griping point is that you cant customize your avatar in multiplayer at all. No blinging your weapons a la Modern Warfare 2, or adding new bits of armour and decals a la Halo 3. There are also people complaining that the graphics are sub-par, and the textures are “muddy”.

These people are what i like to call, a bunch of slack jawed faggots.

You see, to complain about these issues in regards to AVP is the equivalent of complaining that the room stinks a bit during a gang bang. Youre looking at the smaller details and missing the big picture. That picture being, you’re a fucking Colonial Marine fucking up Aliens with a god-damn Pulse Rifle. While that might not be enough for some namby-pamby nearly men who want every game to be a fucking clone of Call of Duty or to offer you “tough moral decisions”, for anyone who grew up with a set of balls in the 1980’s, this is the equivalent of the second coming. This is the closest you will ever get to actually being in the Colonial Marine corps and trading wisecracks with Hudson about Vazquez’ possible lesbo-nes/disturbingly arousing masculinity.

Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for some faggoty call of duty clone?

AVP offers 3 varied campaigns, one each for Alien, Predator & Marine, and a host of multiplayer modes. Most reviewers so far cant seem to see past the fact that the marine cant crouch to point out just how much content is in this game, so i guess it’s up to me to let you know.
The Marine plays as youd expect, confined corridors (for the most part), tense atsmospherics, and blasting aliens until they explode with a satisfying squelch with your pulse rifle.
The Predator focuses mostly on stalking marines and stealth killing them like the worlds only 300 pound 6 foot 7 ninja, and dealing with Aliens the only way a predator knows how, with mano a mano combat, while the aliens campaign sees a super intelligent Xeno stalking and killing marines for shits and giggles.
There really isnt much more you need to know about the campaigns than this. If you’re a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus, you probably know exactly what to expect when you sign up for a game starring Aliens & Predators, and are probably playing it by now instead of crying like a slack jawed faggot because you cant attach a rocket launcher to your gun or launch a nuke in the multiplayer mode.

I guess i should put in some pictures of the game

All this isn’t to say the game is perfect however. It does suffer from some pretty massive flaws. For one part, Lance Henriksen actually looks like this:

Yet inexplicably looks like someone gave a mannequin botox injections and covered it’s face in plastic in-game:

There’s hardly any lip synching or motion capture to speak of, meaning when plastic Henriksen lurches clunkily into view toward the end of the Marine campaign, its more laughter inducing than fear inducing.
Also, the voice acting, Lance Henriksen aside, is woefully inept. Your main contact as a Marine is a spunky young Vasquez rip-off called Tequila, who sounds like a Michelle Rodriguez impersonator who cant tell if shes supposed to be impersonating Rodriguez or Vasquez and switches accents on the fly.
But again, picking holes in this game because it doesnt have the best voice acting or because Lance Henriksen’s model looks like a paedophile covered in wax is to miss the point of AVP. If you’re too focused on these niggles you’re probably missing the tremendous amounts of HOLY FUCK THEY’RE COMIN OUTTA THE GODDAMN WALLS style amazingness that this game flings at you with reckless abandon.