It’s not often that i get annoyed about games, or reviews. For the most part, i merrily cast aside negative reviews and shrug off terrible games without a care in the world, all the while dancing in Valleys and singing happy gaming songs like i were a member of the Von Trapp family. However, there comes a time when a review is so bad, is so agonisingly nauseating, so mind numbingly horrible you’d wish you never learned to fucking read, i’m left mouth agape in shock, and to quote Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys 2, Shit Just got Real. Gamespy’s review of AVP, is one such review.

The offending review:

http://uk.xbox360.gamespy.com/xbox-360/aliens-vs-predator-2009/1069531p1.html

By Eric Neigher

I dont know where Mr. Neigher studied English. I dont know what college he went to and what degrees he has. But im just going to stick my neck out on this one and assume English isn’t his first language and all knowledge thereof was gleaned from being smacked in the face by a hateful Father with a copy of VIZ.

I don’t understand why they even put humans in these Aliens vs. Predator games. Playing as the humans in this series is kinda like playing Goblin #234 in a fantasy RPG: You spend the entire time scrambling to fend off vastly stronger (not to mention cooler) enemies with basic, boring weapons, for no discernable purpose other than survival. And in the end, the other team wins. Eff you, humans

Eff you, humans. Eff you indeed. Eff you and your fighting for no other reason than survival and your boring weapons. In fact, why not eff every game where humans are fighting for survival? Eff you Half Life 2! Eff you Halo! God dammit, cant we have game where humans fight Alien adversaries, not for survival, but for higher stakes? Like, bragging rights as to which species is the best at interperative dance? And eff those boring weapons too! Eff the pulse rifle, one of the most iconic weapons of all time! Eff you, why dont you have a fucking Toilet launcher attachment or something? Or a gun that shoots guns at people?? EFF THAT!!

 A “youngblood” predator (you) starts waxing fools like Daniel LaRusso waxes old Chevys, and the humans start freaking out. Meanwhile, the eeeeeeeevil Weyland-Yutani’s experiments have, of course, gone awry, and the aliens it was breeding have, of course, escaped their constraints. A young alien (you) starts slicing people up like Vince-with-Slapchop slices up boiled eggs, and the humans start freaking out. Meanwhile, there’s a human campaign, which is boring.

You’ll now start to notice a trend in Eric’s review style, that trend is The simile.

sim⋅i⋅le –noun

1. a figure of speech in which two unlike things are explicitly compared, as in “she is like a rose.”
2. an instance of such a figure of speech or a use of words exemplifying it

Yes, Predators are Waxing fools like Daniel Larusso waxes old Chevys (Google tells me this is a reference to The Karate Kid. I had no idea, i thought his name was Daniel San the whole time), and Aliens are Slicing people like Vince with slap chop slices Boiled Eggs (required another google).  But why stop there? Surely there are other obscure references that could be shoehorned into this review. Aliens running faster than Roger Bannister running the  4 minute mile in 1954? Predators stealthier than Northrup Grumann Integrated Systems, creators of the B2-Stealth bomber?? Or that reading your review left me sobbing uncontrollably like Jodie Foster after the rape scene in The Accused.
Eric also displays his deft mastery of the English language by summing up the entire Marine Campaign of the game with one word. Apparently, its “Boring.” Amazing insights there.

As for the multiplayer — which the original Aliens vs. Predator (2000) on PC was famous for — it’s pretty mediocre. The thrill, as B.B. King said, has left the building. You’ve got several game modes, one focusing on each race’s play style and general ethos, and then a variety of deathmatch types. Sadly, there’s no local splitscreen, but matches do allow up to 18 players online. Deathmatch can get crazier than Lady Gaga’s fashion sense

Eric goes for gold here with not only another hateful simile, but with another amazing summation of an entire game mode with one word, this time the multiplayer apect bears the brunt of his barbed tongue, and is apparently “Mediocre”. Ouch!
But get this! Deathmatch, right, is crazier than…wait for it!! LADY GAGAS FASHION SENSE!! ha ha! I literally shit my pants with laughter at that one.
Hey Eric, heres a simile for you! Maybe if you didnt spend so much time thinking of more shit jokes than Horne & corden on a day trip to a shit jokes factory, you might be able to write a review that doesnt sound like it was written by Korky the retard from Life goes on at a retard convention.

HI EWIC I WILL WITE JOKES 4 YOU

And, whether you’re in multiplayer or on your own, AvP’s level design doesn’t add much in the depth department: Expect endless, linear sequences of metal corridors, jungle pathways, and air ducts, in a uniform gray (except for the jungles; that would be weird). Worse, the sound design is wholly lifted from the movies, from gun sounds to alien hisses — again, woulda been nice to see some imagination here, Rebellion — and it, along with the less-than-stellar writing and voice acting, gets old quicker than your grandfather’s stories about life in the Depression.

Oh Eric, with these awful jokes and terrible writing you are spoiling us. Chastising a game featuring Aliens & Predators for having sound effects lifed directly from Aliens & Predator, would be a bit like chastising Gamespy for publishing a review that was obviously written by the real reviewers 10 year old mentally handicapped child and was published by accident instead of the real review.
And you know what gets old quicker than your Grandfathers stories about the depression? Having to read reviews written by someone who cant decide wether he wants to be the worlds shittiest comedian or the wolrds most fuck awful game reviewer.

Bottom line: If this new AvP were like a grapefruit, and you were like the Dole Fruit Company, you would probably buy it only for use in juicing, not to be eaten on its own, as it just doesn’t have enough meat. And by “buy it only for use in juicing” I mean you probably wouldn’t buy it at all, because it isn’t very good.

Bottom line: If this review were a car, and Eric Neighan were the Ford Motor Company, id go to Gamespy’s head office, take a shit on Eric’s desk (assuming his colleagues hadn’t beaten me to it), then take his review, and run it through a juicer, only instead of juice just shit would come out, and spray everywhere like Spud sprays shit all over a family breakfast in Trainspotting, and by “spraying shit everywhere” i mean spraying shit everywhere, and then i’d make some reduntant comparision between a car and a grapefruit, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD just stop writing reviews you talentless hack.

Is this honestly the best Gamespy can come up with? Do they actually pay this man, or just give him food and shelter in return for him excreting a review every so often?

God almighty.

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