Aliens Vs. Predator 3
Format: Xbox 360, PS3, PC

Fans of Aliens, Predator, and Aliens Vs. Predator games have sadly been treated worst of all fanboys when it comes to videogame adaptations of their favourite franchises. Spider man fans were treated to great games such as Spider man 1 & 2, Superman fans got Superman 64, a game so hilariously bad it is literally one of the greatest games of all time, and Wolverine fans got Hugh Jackman presents Wolverine 3: The legend of Curlys gold. But what of the Aliens and Predator fans??

1. Predator (1987)

Digitised graphics: Cutting edge

1987 Saw the release of the first Predator tie-in game, simply titled Predator, for the Amiga and Atari ST. Where the game completely failed to capture the spirit of the film was in making Arnie a complete fucking pussy who is easily bamboozled to the point of being knocked over by a slow moving blackbird, and making the Predator less of a predator, and more of an ‘i’m just fucking with you-ator’. The only time you’ll actually have any interaction with the worlds most ineffectual predator, are when the screen turns blue and an incredibly slow moving and easily avoidable targeting reticule feebly attempts to lock on to you. This predator could have been taken down by the cast of Dad’s Army, let alone an elite special forces unit.

2. Predator 2

In my search for god-awful Aliens/Predator licensed games, i thought i’d seen it all. When i found this first term abortion of a videogame, I was actually looking for the Side scrolling Operation-Wolf Clone Predator 2, released on  Amiga & Atari, which was also an absolute travesty of videogame programming. But much like Dutch’s search for Jim Harper in Predator 1 led him to some skinned alive corpses and bloody entrails, my journey led me to something much, much worse.

I’m not sure if the film makes this game look terrible, or if this game makes the film look great. Either way, this game is like being raped by a 10 foot dick in the eyeballs. I’m guessing  i missed the part of Predator 2 where Danny Glover ran around randomly blasting on people in the street and collecting their money/bottles of pills. I’m not sure if there even is a predator in the entirety of the fucking game, which slighlty misses the point of a game based on the fucking Predator franchise. But in it’s defence, the soundtrack is nut bustingly great, and it doesn’t have Gary Busey in it.

3. Alien 3 (1992, SNES/Mega Drive)

The 1992 film Alien 3 saw the series protragonist Ellen Ripley marooned on a desolate prison planet, and being hunted by a single Alien. With no weapons and no means of defense, Ripley and a plucky bunch of inmates stage a desperate last stand against the marauding Alien. Remaining faithful to the films source material, Alien 3 the game, saw Ripley climbing ladders, running, jumping, and blasting through hundreds of aliens with machine guns, flamethrowers, and any other weapon left conveniently lying around.

Taking a massive shit all over the film, the SNES version of Alien 3 disregarded everything seen in the movie and substituted it with a cartload of weapons, aliens, and locations stolen from Aliens. Which is probably no bad thing given how shite Alien 3 was.
Unfortunate Mega drive owners were sadly lumped with the disappointment not only of having a pretty shitty alien film with Alien3, but got a shitty game to go along with it.  While it had all the features of the SNES game, the thrill of climbing ladders & hiding inside vent shafts, it’s gameplay was about as much fun as you can have dying over and over while climbing a ladder and being raped by a clown.

4. Aliens (1990, Arcade)

First off, for a taste of just how bowel looseningly crap Aliens the arcade game was, we’ll start with this flyer, where:

  • The earnings are out of this world!
  • It’s 2 player interactive!
  • Ripley is a blonde slut in a tank top
  • Newt is apparently being bored to death by the Alien’s latest attempts at making shadow puppets
  • Ripleys pulse rifle has been replaced by the worlds largest novelty cigarette lighter
  • Alien is a cardboard cut-out

I actually have fond memories of this game. As a grubby 12 year old i loved funnelling 50p pieces into this machine on a saturday afternoon without a care in the world, until some mouth-breathing wanker tried to show me ‘how to do the special moves’ kicked me off it and stole my go. He didn’t really want to show me the special moves. Fuck you Aliens the arcade game, Fuck you.

5. Alien vs Predator (1994, Jaguar)

The first ever AVP game, and one of the few that wasn’t absolutely terrible, AVP was, sadly, an Atari Jaguar exclusive. Meaning, only 6 people in the entire world ever played it. None of those 6 people were available to comment on the games quality as of writing, but from the previews in the issue of  Atari ST format magazine  i bought in June 1994, one can only assume this was FUCKING AWESOME.

6. Alien Vs. Predator (arcade)

It took almost a decade of video game evolution to finally produce a decent AVP videogame, but in 1996 AVP hit the arcades, and nobody got to fucking play it. By the time this was released, most of us had moved on to Playstations, or the sad, lonely few still clinging on to their mega drives like i was. However, it was the first game to significantly buck the trend of god awful licensed Aliens/Predator crap games, by stealing its gameplay from games like Final Fight & Street Fighter 2. Watch the video if only to see the hilariously bad japanglish intro.

7. Alien Trilogy (1996)

Alien Trilogy was another half decent stab at making an aliens game that didnt suck harder than a busload of Filipino prostitutes in a black hole. A typical Doom clone, it was a first person shooter that claimed to be the Alien trilogy, but was more like Doom with  aliens in it, and nothing to do with the films at all. At the time, it was fantastic, but in reality was fairly shit. However, the digitised Aliens, Facehuggers, and motion sensor blip sound were the start of a renaissance for Aliens games.

So, out of 7 games listed here, only 1 didn’t completely suck. The rest were middling to shit. Rebellion began their career with the Jaguar exclusive AVP and honed their talents with AVP 1 & 2 on PC in 1999. Their output between then and now has widely been referred to almost unanimously by gaming journalists as ‘a load of rancid old shit’, with 2 notorious stinkers Shellshock 2: Blood trails, & Rogue warrior, recieving some of the worst reviews of the last year.
AVP3, rebellions latest, simply cannot fail to be anything less than FACE FUCKINGLY BRILLIANT, simply down to the fact that in the last decade that AVP fans have been treated to 1 decent arcade game, one Jaguar game noone played,  2 films so bad they make an evening at home being raped with a chair leg seem an attractive propsition, and 2 great games hardly anyone palyed because they were PC exclusives from 1999 (when hardly anyone owned a PC capable of playing anything other than minesweeper).

Come on Rebellion, you can do it.

BELIEVE.

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