Bayonetta
Format Reviewed: Xbox 360
Publisher: Sega
Release: Out now!

In the early days of gaming, when the Japanese ruled the gaming market with an iron fist thanks to the Playstation 1, gamers were first exposed to that crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat mentality of Eastern game developers. If you werent playing games where a rapping dog tried was trying to fuck a flower by having a rap battle with a kung fu onion or a Jamacan frog (pa-rappa the rapper), or spending 70+ hours reading love stories written in Engrish by people who have no idea what the concept of ‘love’, ‘storytelling’, or ‘making fucking sense’ is (Final Fantasy) you werent experiencing gaming.

Gradually, as Western developers started producing better and better games, games where men didn’t look like 8 year old girls,  8 year old girls didnt look like the games love interest, and stories actually had a defined beginning-middle-end, the Eastern insanity gaming fad fizzled out for all but the most die-hard ‘wanking in my final fantasy bedset & matching pyjamas’ Japano-philes. But now, Sega, seeing a gap in the market, has decided to fill it with more crazy than Gary Busey’s big book of insanity with the release of Bayonetta.

Gary Busey - Marginally less insane than Bayonetta
Gary Busey: Marginally less insane than Bayonetta

The story of Bayonetta revolves around the struggle between light witches and dark wi….actually, theres no fucking point even trying to describe the story. Seriously. The only salient plot point you need to know is, ‘yes, bayonetta does get naked every 5 fucking seconds’. ‘That isn’t plot’ you say? Well fuck you then, because its all you’ll be able to recall once the credits roll. Honestly, 12 hours into the game and i have more of a clue about what happens in ‘Crime and Punishment’, a book ive never fucking read, than i do about spending 12 hours in Bayonetta.

Witches ride motorcycles through the air for no reason, penis fingered monsters shoot babies faces at you, for some reason you spend your time killing honest-to-god fucking Angels, your hair is your main weapon and can transform from anything into a massive fist to a spider to a fucking dragon, at one point you suck an enemy up your clunge as a finisher move, another naked enemy shines purple light out of her ass for no fucking reason, you get naked every 2 seconds (did i mention that already??) and Bayonetta herself seems to have spent the last 500 years alternating between perfecting the shittiest clipped Brrrrrrrritish accent of all time and working on her stripper pole moves.

Still less insane than Bayonetta

Gameplaywise, Bayonetta uses her perfectly honed stripper expertise to kill angels a-la most beat em ups since Devil May Cry back in 2001. Bayonetta has a massive amount of combos at her disposal and a large set of weapons to unlock. Sadly i didnt get as far as unlocking any of them due to the fucking tedium of the gameplay. The hundreds of combos available from the off are initially overwhelming, meaning most early fights will devolve into you mashing YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY and inspecting Bayonetta’s vagina like a short sighted gynecologist.
Every. Time. You press a fucking button.

In fact, if theres one massive drawback to Bayonetta, its that after spending 12 hours having Bayonetta thrust her vag into my face at every available opportunity, i practically feel like turning homosexual. At this stage i am honest to god sick to death of seeing her naked fucking ass wiggle in my face like an over enthusiastic pole dancer any time i so much as press a button or even touch the fucking controller. Rather than titillate, Bayonetta will take what love you have of seeing half naked women in games, strip off her clothes, shove it up her chuff, blast it back in your face and make you never want to see another naked woman fire laser beams out of her minge for the rest of your life. The constant, grating overuse of Bayonetta’s fantastically modelled ass is less something to give you the horn and more a device to keep you watching the ridiculously over the top cut scenes.

Sanity incarnate compared to Bayonetta

But much like the thrill of having your face buried between Bayonettas ass cheeks eventually wears off and leaves you contemplating what a dick might taste like instead, the constant WTF’-ism of all this insanity leaves you wishing it would go 5 minutes without having a mid air motorcycle chase, or a 500ft cherub shitting tentacles at you, or a gun-kata cut scene so ridiculously over the top it makes the Matrix looks like a kids nativity play. If anything, It’s TOO over the top, and leaves you wondering if the developers put in all this insanity not because they wanted to, but just to see how much ridiculous crap they can shove into a game and still sell truckloads of in the West.

It’s a game that is always turned up to 11, and for the most part, it seems that the ridiculous scores of 9 & 10 that it has been awarded seem to be solely based on the fact that ‘its batshit crazy!’, ‘it’s so japanese!’, or ‘omg she’s naked half the time!’. No mention then, of the god-awful camera which means half the time your’e so far out of the action you may as well just mash the buttons because you can’t see what the fuck is going on anyway, or the terrible levels shoehorned in to break up the gameplay. These levels are based on “classic” Sega games, and basically take Outrun, Space Harrier, and Super Hang-on, and replace the cars, motorbikes and space harriers with Bayonetta, and then replaces the fun of those games with the ‘oh my god when will this end‘ cry of desperation that can only come from playing Bayonetta for 12 hours.

A paragon of logical thinking and Sanity compared to Bayonetta

On a scale of 1 to Busey, 1 being sane, 5 being Busey style insane, Bayonetta recieves 5 Buseys out of 5.

Advertisements