opfdr_front
Operation Flashpoint: Dragon Rising
Format reviewed: Xbox 360

This is an excerpt from the war journal of Pvt. 1st Class Facepalm, serving with the 1st Recon division, in Skira invasion force Bravo. All stories recounted here took place between the invasion of October 9th, and the giving up in frustration of October 13th. All stories are true, and have not been toned down for review. Be warned, this review contains graphic content some readers may find shocking.

O6:00 Hours
Skira Invasion force Bravo 1
Eastern Skira Beachead

The 4 man invasion squad are hunkered down in the pitch black of an October morning. Knee deep in the muddy water on some forgotten beach, the sound of the pre dawn breeze was all that accompanied them. The squad leader, an impossibly handsome man by the name of facepalmedgamer, stood next to his oddly square face troops, his radio crackling into life.

“Bravo one, this is base, we need you to go blow up some anti air stuff a half a klick to your east, how copy, over?”
“Uh yeah, about that…well i never passed basic training so yeah….probably not gonna be too hot with the blowing shit up”
“Say again bravo one, you never passed basic training?
“Copy that base, i was literally just dumped on this beach fresh out of civilian life with no weapons, equipment, or vehicle training and i dont know how to operate half of my gear, also, how fucking far is a klick? Whats that, like a kilometer? Why cant you just say Kilometer??”
“Bravo one, just get to that anti air thing, and fucking kill the fuck out of it. Out”

Bravo guy turns to face his square faced comrades. “Listen up men, weve got some anti air thing to blow up and come hell or high water, im going to give you some half assed motivational speech to get you there. Now let’s spend 15 minutes running to the checkpoint. Move out!”

Wow this looks so amazing it must be a real screenshot! Right? Right??
Wow this looks so amazing it must be a real screenshot! Right? Right??

06:15
Somewhere east of where we began
Skira, or something

“Ok men, lets do this. You flank right, and lay down suppressive fire. Ill go left, and take them out from behind. Lets move people!” Pvt facepalms men take off in a flash, their years of military training kicking into action, as they move rapidly 5 feet to facepalms immediate  right, and proceed to stand there doing nothing.

“What the fuck is up with you morons? FLANK THE FUCKING POSITION!
“Sir cannot comply sir!”
“Why the fuck not?”
“Because were programmed to be no less than 5 feet away from you at all time”
“Well what the fuck can you do?”
“Well we can walk in like 3 different formations. Let’s see, theres Vee, Wedge, and Column. Isnt that awesome?”
“Jesus Christ. Okay, lets all just attack together then. Lets get in a ‘wedge formation’ so..”
“Great! its the one thing were good at!”

Minutes later, the wedge formation of Bravo squad assaults the Anti air gun. Pvt. Facepalm is fumbling his orders, hes lost! All his scant seconds of training are failing him, as he stutters orders through his microphone, guns are blazing overhead, his men are pinned down! He frantically flicks through pages of the field manual, but its useless. Nothing but some shit about how to call a hints and tips telephone number. What fucking good is that in a firefight? He randomly begins stabbing at commands on his controller, FORM UP! ASSAULT! FLANK LEFT! WEDGE! His shaking hands cant cope with this pressure under fire! His men are all going to die! But then, the guns fall silent. The battle is over.

“What the hell? Did we win?”
“Sir yes sir. We killed them for you.”
“Really? But, i had no clue what i was doing. How the hell…”
“Yeah well we just decided to do it for you, were good like that. But just don’t actually ask us to do anything, because then we go into full on retard mode and just spin around on the spot firing into the air or some shit”

0:800
Somewhere inSkira

The men of Bravo company are sneaking through the grassy fields of Skira, on their way to an evac helo after successfully blowing up the Anti air gun. Pvt facepalm is reflecting on the mission at hand.

“You know, i was just wondering. War, what’s it all about eh? Whats the point?”
“War is hell sir, we fight because we have to”
“No, i actually meant why are we here? The manual didnt tell me shit. And the intro was pretty boring, i didnt pay much attention. Are we fighting fucking terrorists again? Im so sick of those guys…wait, OH MY GOD! CHEMICAL ATTACK! GAS MASKS ON!!”
Pvt. Facepalm frantically radios back to HQ. “Sir! The terrorists or Russians or whoever it is just launched some kind of new chemical warfare agent! All i can see is the colour brown! Oh god, it’s HORRIBLE!
“Calm down son, thats just how everything looks on this Island. Its either brown, black, or occasionally greeny-grey-brown.”
“Oh, okay. And were fighting the Russians for this shithole? Jeez..”
“Actually its the Chinese”
“Oh, right, got it. Proceeding to Evac”

Excitement, thy colour is greeny-brown
Excitement, thy colour is greeny-brown

Sometime that feels like forever after first loading up the game
Skira

After a long trudge, Bravo team are nearing their extraction point, but suddenly find themselves under heavy enemy fire. Pvt Facepalm catches a bullet to the brain, but surprisingly, is still alive.

“God damn russians,” he gasps, “I’m dyin here! If only i had been given some kind of training, either in how treat wounds, or how to just play this fucking game in general, i might not be bleeding my brains out my nose right now.” Pvt. Facepalms comrades in arms stand ashen faced around their dying comrade. The team medic, in particular seems very upset. So upset, he cant quite bring himself to aid Pvt. Facepalm.

“If only i knew how to call for a medic, that medic, the one looking at me, about 2 feet from me, oh if only i could get him to heal me…”
“Dont you go quitting on me!” Cries the team sniper.
“Im sorry, its too late, im both bored shitless and annoyed beyond belief with this fucking game, im quitting”
“Any last regrets, Sir?”
“Pre-ordering this instead of….modern…warfare…..2…NNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGARGH

Facepalms out of 5 for Operation Flashpoint: Dragon Rising:

facepalm

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