With today’s release of Halo 3: ODST, TFPG takes a look back at the game that actually invented the first person shooter genre, Halo.

Halo’s success is somewhat of a mystery. For one thing, the game was originally designed as a real time strategy. For another, it was also originally destined to be a fucking Apple Mac Exclusive. These two decisions would have been enough to sink a lesser game without trace, but fortunately for the Master Chief and racist teenagers the length and breadth of the U.S.A, Bungie realised that, way back in 1999, only about 15 people owned an Apple Mac, and of those 15, only 3 used it to play games, and only 1 of those played real time strategy games. The RTS aspect and the Mac were rightly shitcanned, and thus the worlds first ever first person shooter was born, Halo.


Halo: Combat Evolved (2001)

Released in 2001, Halo was the game that launched a million cries of ‘YOU FUCKING FAGGOT IMMA KILL YOU FAGGOT’. Halo took the xbox by storm, and managed to sell literally tens of consoles, and telling sony in no uncertain terms “you may be outselling our console by almost 10 to 1, but dammit, at least we have one popular game, which is more than be said for the fucking gamecube.” So what made Halo so popular? Well firstly, we have the award winning story

In Halos twenty-sixth century setting, the player assumes the role of the Buck Rogers, a cybernetically enhanced “SPARTAN” super-soldier. The player is accompanied by Twiggy, an artificial intelligence who occupies the Master Chief’s neural interface. Together they must fight crime and solve mysteries while driving around in a van.

Then, we had the incredible graphics:


Halo was thrust into the limelight as the Xbox’s killer app, the game that would unseat Sony as the dominant force in the home console business, and make the Xbox brand a name as easily recognisable as Playstation, and we would all join hands as one nation, one race, under the benevolence of Bill Gates, and live happily ever after.

Of course none of that happened, and the Xbox languished behind the PS2 until its death, and owning an xbox was still seen as something for friendless sofa masturbators who were looked down upon by the Playstation owning ruling caste.

However, for anyone who played Halo for the first time back in 2001, it was a genuinely special experience, marring an interesting sci-fi world with exciting gameplay, and unparalleled  vehicle combat. It truly was an exciting taste of the future of FPS, and as you will soon see, homphobia….

FP’s out of 5 for Halo 1:



Halo 2 (2004)

Halo 2 dropped in 2004, to much anticipation. As the sequel to the million selling Halo it had alot to live up to. Halo 2 promised to take the fight from outer space to Earth, and it did, for one entire level before fucking off back into outer space for the entirety of the game.
Halo 2 had a much more focused storyline, delving deep into the rich background of Master Chiefs enemies, The Covenant, the banded alien races hell bent on Earths destruction, and introduced a new playable charachter, an Elite named The Arbiter

Halo 2 opens with the trial of an Elite commander aboard the Covenant’s mobile city of High Charity. The Elite is stripped of his rank and branded a heretic for failing to stop the humans from destroying Halo. It is revealed that the Covenant’s interest in Halo lies in the religious belief that the activation of the rings would bring about a “Great Journey”, sweeping loyal Covenant to salvation.

This game literally looked more amazing than any other gamethat was on the xbox and released in November 2004.
This game literally looked more amazing than any other game that was on the xbox and released in November 2004.

Of course, all of this was disregarded when millions of hairy palmed teenagers realized that Halo 2 and the advent of Xbox Live allowed you to do one thing other games would not: drop your balls on the face of a slain opponent over the internet in a ritual that became known as teabagging.

Teabagging is a slang term for the act of a man placing his scrotum in the mouth or on or around the face (including the top of the head) of another person, often in a repeated in-and-out motion as in irrumatio. The practice resembles dipping a tea bag into a cup of tea.

haha you fag you have my balls on your face therefore you are gay
haha you fag you have my balls on your face therefore you are gay

Suddenly, the amazing graphics, the complex storyline, the alien races and emergent gameplay played second fiddle to the act of humiliating a slain opponent in an irony shattering act of placing your balls on someones face while screaming at them that they are actually the gay one, and that you are actually completely heterosexual, you just enjoy rubbing your balls on peoples face.

Yes, three years of storyboards, level design, voice acting and art direction were instantly rendered obsolete once the annoying little scrotes who inhabit xbox live like a plague realized that you could use your balls to humiliate someone.
Halo 2’s position as ‘lacklustre follow up to a fuck-ass incredible original’ were further compounded upon finishing the game, when after hours of fucking about in space, Master Chief proclaims he is heading back to earth to ‘FINISH THIS FIGHT‘.
He didn’t. The credits rolled instead. People were angry. Very angry.

FP’s out of 5 for Halo 2:



Halo 3 (2007)

Halo 3 was the first Halo title for Microsofts flagship Xbox 360 console. Gamers worldwide were practically humping their sofas in anticipation of what the 360’s new technology could bring to the universe of the Master Chief.

The answer was, fuck all. Halo 3 looked vaguely like Halo 1 and played roughly the exact fucking same, yet none of these facts stopped it from being un-fuckingbelievably awesome to the max.

Purple aliens in ALMOST HD RESOLUTION!!

Halo 3 begins with the Master Chief entering Earth’s atmosphere and crashing to the ground in eastern Africa, where he is found by Sgt. Major Johnson and the Arbiter. The Chief, Johnson, and company fight their way out of the jungle and arrive at a UNSC outpost. Here, Commander Keyes and Lord Hood plan a last-ditch effort to stop the Covenant leader, the High Prophet of Truth, from activating a Forerunner artifact uncovered outside the ruins of the city of New Mombasa.

Halo 3 took the fight back to earth, as promised at the teeth-gnashingly shit ending to Halo 2, and promised to make up for all the shitty decisions made in that game. Halo 3’s single player campaign, was for lack of a better description, the greatest fucking shooter ever made.

What made it this amazingly brilliant? I can hardly remember. Possibly hype,  as Halo 3 was the most publicized and hyped Halo game yet.  But was it really all hype? Looking back now its easy to say that all the perfect 10 scores and glowing reviews were all suckered in by the Halo hype machine or were bought by Microsoft’s deep pockets.

At least, thats what the detractors want you to think. The same people that will tell you that ‘halo has no story’ or that ‘PC games had better multiplayer back in 1998’.Retarded quotes from retarded people.
But those of you who know and appreciate the storylines behind the Chiefs extraterrestiral exploits, those who have seen Halo 3 right to the true ending (only reached by completing the campaign on Legendary difficulty), those who queued up to buy the game on launch night, those who routinely play the campaign in the nut-bustingly brillint 4 palyer mode, the people who collect the Halo figurines of Master Chief, Cortana et al, those of you who read the books, or the graphic novels, know that while Halo may get flak for being a kiddy first person shooter (it has purple aliens, therefore by definition it is for children), or that its online contingent is populated by first term abortions (and sadly it is), these things aside, we know that Halo is a sci-fi epic, a marriage of excellent gameplay, art style and story.

So to the Halo storyline, The Master Chief, The Arbiter, the 4 player co-op, we salute you Halo, truly the worlds first ever first person shooter, and warmly welcome the latest Halo FPS, Halo:ODST!

FP’s out of 5 for Halo 3: