Title: Batman: Arkham Asylum
Format reviewed: Xbox 360

What are you, dense? Or retarded or something?

Its the goddamn batman review…

Batman, for those of you who dont know (possibly because youre dense, or retarded, or something) is a mildly successful comic about a man with mental health issues who thinks he is a bat, and dresses up in leather and assaults anyone he thinks is a bad guy. It’s spawned a few games and a couple of movies with some dead guy who starred in a gay porn movie in them. They also very kindly gave Christian Bale a job playing batman even though he had recently consumed a bottle of toilet cleaner which had destroyed most of his vocal cords, resulting an the stupidest batman voice of all time.
Anyway, Batman: Arkham Asylum, is based on some comic featuring the goddamn Batman. Some comic i’ve never read, unfortunately. So roughly 90% of the story of Arkham Asylum will be lost on you unless you sleep underneath Batman bedsheets and jerk off to Heath Ledger.


So, why is someone who’s not a bat-phile playing and reviewing AA then? Lets see some real* quotes from real* gamers about batman:AA..

This is game of the year material

Best game this year, hands down

Better than Half Life 2 & Resident Evil 4



This game is so good i just spontaneously ejaculated

OMG every time i put the DVD in my xbox my dick gets hard

Arkham Asylum cured my aids

High praise indeed. So how could anyone ignore a game that’s so obviously GAME OF THE YEAR material? Well, if you’re not up to speed on the whole world of Batman, TFPG is here to help with this brief rundown of what you can expect going into Arkham Asylum as a bat-virgin.

Arkham Asylum begins with Batman arresting Heath Ledger and taking him to Arkham Asylum. Batman is suspicious because Heath Ledger a.k.a the Joker didn’t put up much resistance. Heath Ledger escapes, and then frees a bunch of lunatics from the Asylum, and in a radical new approach to treating the mentally ill, Batman has to beat the fucking crazy out of every single inmate on the Island.

Helping Batman in his crusade is Batgirl, a wheelchair bound, erm, batgirl, who provides radio support for the goddamn Batman. Along for the ride is Commissioner Gordon, possibly the only sane person in the entire Batman universe, as he’s the only person in all of gotham who is content with wearing a shirt, tie and slacks, and not talking in a silly voice.

Together, they face off against BatmansĀ  greatest enemies, The Joker, a guy who dresses like a clown and kills the hell out of people literally for shits and giggles, his girlfriend, Harley Quinn, an ex-doctor turned fetish model/insane whore, Killer Croc, an 8 foot tall half human half crocodile….and you see where this is going. Its a fairly ridiculous scenario, so im not entirely sure not knowing much about the Batman world is actually that bad a thing.

Facing up to these human freakshows ranges from ‘boring’ to ‘fuck this‘. Killer Croc seems to be only capable of one attack move, which is running directly at Batman and screaming some incoherent shit about eating Batman, or something. Batman can deftly counter this by flinging a batarang (a boomerang shaped like a bat) into his face, and repeating this until the 8 foot tall half human half crocodile monster gets pissed off having his well laid plans of ‘run at batman’ ruined by a piece of metal bouncing off his face and leaves to find a better game to be a boss fight in.

Thats the boring, the fuck this comes in the form of Poison Ivy, a half woman half plant jesus christ am i actually TYPING these words?? who apparently the developers just thought ‘fuck it’ when it came to designing a boss fight, so they stuck her in a giant plant and made an irritating as fuck boss figt out of it. Then, not content with forcing you through one shitty boss fight, Ivy comes back to life after you defeat her, BUT NOW, they fill the room full of goons for you to fight while you fight the plant woman AGAIN.

So thats the really shit aspects of AA dealt with. Why is there so much love for the game floating around the internet for it then? Surely its not ALL shitty boss fights and dodgy dialogue? Well, not really. Its a very competent brawler, if a bit simplistic. There are 2 buttons, punch and dodge. So upon entering a room of 10 of Jokers goons, youll punch and dodge your way to freedom, maybe throw a batarang or two. Its balletic and exhilarating at first, but actually looks more fun then it really is, as a successful evade is merely a single button press timed well, but on screen triggers a kung fu Bruce Lee style manouvre by Batman as he grabs his attacker and proceeds to snap his fucking arms off.

The Joker is excellently voiced by Mark Hamill, yes, THE Mark Hamill, star of Space Ghost Coast to coast & MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch. The supporting cast are generally well acted and the visuals and design of Arkham and its inhabitants is never less than outstanding. The same cant be said for Batman himself however, who youd be forgiven for mistaking for a wooden chair or hatstand everytime he opens his mouth.

A shirt & tie? what are you, fucking nuts??
A shirt & tie? what are you, fucking nuts??

So to sum up, Arkham Asylum, while never being outright awful, is never consistently brilliant either. Its a good game, without a shadow of a doubt, but something tells me that its only the people sleeping tonight under their Batman bedsheets that can honestly fool themselves into thinking this is anywhere near being GAME OF THE DECADE.

Final Score:

facepalm facepalmfacepalm

(out of a potential 5)