For those of you, like me, old enough to remember a time when Sony dominated the home console market, Quake 3 Arena had the greatest graphics you’d ever seen, 5ive were slam dunking the funk on MTV, and pornography downloaded really fucking slowly thanks to our state of the art 56K modems, you may just remember the ill-fated Sega Dreamcast, a home console fondly remembered, apparently, by everyone who never actually played the fucking thing. With its 10 year anniversary nigh, and rumours of a Dreamcast 2 stumbling around the internet like a particularly pungent hobo, TFPG takes a look at the best worst console of the last generation.
WHAT WAS SHITTY ABOUT THE DREAMCAST:
1: That fucking controller
Take a look at that thing. Seriously, just take 1 minute to look at that hand held carpal tunnel vendor. Things you will notice about the dreamcast conroller:
- It honest-to-god looks like it was designed by someone with a learning disability, or a runner up prize in a small child’s art contest
- It’s roughly the size of 3 playstation controllers sellotaped together
- It’s buttons & stick are spaced so far apart it actually looks like it was originally designed to be operated by 2 or more people
- Its fucking atrocious
If you never played a Dreamcast, you’re probably wondering what purpose the massive fucking hole in the controller serves. This was Segas trump card, the revolutionary design feature that was to elevate this shitty abomination of a controller to the god tier of joypads, The Visual Memory Unit.
Yes, now you too can live out your wildest fantasies of actually seeing your savegame files represented in glorious sub-tamagotchi graphics RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING EYES. I’m not going to lie, i cant even remember what the fuck this thing was for. Thats about the best compliment i can give it.
2: Super fast 56K online gaming
If you owned a computer in the late 90’s/Early 00’s, you know first hand the frustration of downloading internet porn on a 56k connection. Videos were of lesser quality and smaller file sizes than most modern day animated gifs, pictures were sub 800 x 600 resolution (because that was the size of your fucking monitor), and could literally take minutes to download. It was a scary time for those early pioneers into the wilderness of computer smut, but for those attempting to play online gaming over 56K connections, it was the equivalent of attempting a fucking moon landing in a hot air balloon.
The Dreamcast bravely, yet retardedly, took the plunge and became the first ever console with built in online gaming. An online service that required you to pay-per-minute of gaming as you would a phone call, an online presence sparsely populated (because nobody had the fucking internet then), and completely hobbled by a 56k modem (upgradeable to a broadband modem some years later, when everyone had by then bought a fucking playstation 2) meant that the dreamcasts online community was about as popular as a reggae band at a KKK rally.
I have a few pointers for Sega, if they ever decide to return to the world of console design.
First off, if you’re ever faced with designing a new game to compete with the likes of Sony’s Gran Turismo, Final Fantasy 7/8/9, Medal of Honor: Frontline, etc etc, under any circumstances, DO NOT:
- Create a game that immediately conjures images of sperm in peoples minds. Most people dont like cum in their minds. Try and avoid titles such as Jizz, Cum, Boy Juice, Baby Batter, Spunk, or fucking SEAMAN (semen)
- Do not create a game that sounds like a reproductive fluid and then make the star of said game a half man/fish hybrid, as this leads to point 3 which is
- Creating a game called SEAMAN (semen) where the star of the game is a half man half fish instantly creates the impression in the consumers mind that this abomination was created though the practice of impregnating a FUCKING FISH WITH HUMAN SEMEN TO CREATE A HALF MAN HALF FISH CALLED SEAMAN
- PEOPLE DON’T LIKE GAMES ABOUT FUCKING A FISH
4: Hiring professional Twat Robbie Williams to do music for your adverts
Seriously, i’d be less offended if Sega hired Adolf Hitler to duet with Pete Doherty and sing the collected works of Charles Manson for thier adverts.
Like most teenagers in the late 90’s, i had a few, simple goals. Chief of these goals was to one day become a forklift driver, followed by one day hanging out and cruising gay bars for sailors fresh off the boat. Pre-Shenmue, these were merely fantasies, post-Shenmue, they were realities.
As a forklift driving simulator, it was second to none. Until then no game had dared dip its toe in the murky waters of depicting the life of a dock worker. Getting up each and every morning at 7:00am, getting the bus downtown, driving boxes around a pier until lunchtime, complete with the agonizing search for a decent noodle stand at lunch. Yes, the daily grind had until now never been portrayed so grittily, or so boringly.
Of course, that wasn’t the only string to shenmues bow. It also had the, seemingly fucking endless, search for a BLACK CAR, whereupon Ryo, the games protragonist, would quiz people endlessly as to wether or not they had seen a BLACK CAR. Thrilling stuff, you’ll agree.
Sadly for Sega ‘Drving a forklift truck’ is actually right below ‘unclogging a fucking toilet’ but slightly higher than ‘hanging around in bars looking for sailors’ on most gamers wishlists for ‘mindblowing shit videogames let me do that i could never do in real life’.
At a cost of $100 million dollars to develop, and unlickily pegged as being THE SAVIOUR OF DREAMCAST, it was never going to be an easy ride for a game whose biggest claim to fame was that you could see seasons change while you went to work on the docks ever day. Some might argue that a game where you get up each morning and go to work to afford money for a holiday is a little too much like real life to be called enjoyable.
6: Sonic The Hedgehog
I am including sonic the Hedgehog solely because today i found out that the most searched for terms when discovering this blog were ‘Sonic Hentai’, ‘Knuckles fisting Rouge’ & ‘Sonic Porn’. The fuck is wrong with you people?