wolfy
Eurogamer, for those of you not aware, is a website where sufferers of low level downs syndrome are allowed practice their remedial english class via the medium of videogame reviews. Reviews range from ‘poor’, to ‘shit’, to ‘unfathomably shit’, and it’s largely down to the fact that most reviewers on the site are incapable of seeing their keyboards due to their view being permanently obscured by the insides of their own anus.  Today, we’re going to take a look at EG’s shambolic review of Wolfenstein and see just where they went wrong.

The original review can be found here, http://www.eurogamer.net/articles/wolfenstein-review brought to us by one Dan Whitehead, henceforth known as Journalist Mcfuckbrain.

McFuckbrain, yesterday
McFuckbrain, yesterday

Retarded quote number 1:

The town is a small and muddled maze of streets, alleys, rooftops and sewers, and it’s also stuffed full of enemies. This means that you can complete a mission, and still have to slog through standoffs with dozens of soldiers just to report back to an NPC and tell them you’ve completed the mission.

So, in a city heavily occupied by Nazis, Journalist McFuckbrain believes that encountering Nazis and having to kill them is an unnecessary slog. Wow, well i guess now the more i think about, all that shooting guns in shooting games really gets in the way of time that could be spent walking, and looking at the sky. Possibly admiring a smile on the face of an innocent child. I’m actually coming around to McFuckbrains way of thinking here, i like where hes going with this. Personally in the last 8 or so hours i spent with Wolfenstein, not nearly enough of them were spent not shooting Nazis.

Retarded quote number 2:

..but progress is never more taxing than following the dot on your compass. In fact, most of the time you don’t need to know where you’re going or why, so effective is this navigational tool.
You don’t even need to use the map. Just follow the dot, kill everything in your path, and you’ll reach the end regardless

No. No way McFuckbrain, no fucking way. You mean to tell me that i can follow a waypoint marker and actually find my fucking way to the destination it points to? What the fuck is this, Communist Russia?? I’m annoyed now, im so annoyed. That really is too much. Putting in a map marker that leads you to where you want to go? That just takes the piss, its like they actually WANT you to be able to finish the game, the selfish pricks.

Retarded quote number 3:

You certainly won’t need the powers to outsmart the enemy, since they’re perhaps the dumbest bunch ever to take up arms in a modern shooter. The only foes that will tax you are those enhanced by spooky means, but even they can be taken down without breaking a sweat..

Shit. You got me on this one McFuckbrain. I mean, here was me having fun, popping Nazis heads off with a superpowered K98 rifle, and all the while at the back of my mind im thinking ‘god dammit, why am i not DYING ENOUGH?? These pussy Nazis arent making the game frustrating enough for me! They’re practically LETTING ME SHOOT THEM SO AS I CAN ADVANCE THROUGH THE GAME! The very fucking nerve of them!’
Enemies in Wolfenstein do a damn good job of putting up a fight, they react to being shot at, use grenades to flush you out, and are you know, that things that games are supposed to be, FUN, to fight against. And the supernatural Nazis will kill you if you dont take them down fast enough. This is just more pointless nit-picking by McfuckBrain.

To be honest i was having too much fun removing their limbs to notice wether or not they were intelligently flanking me
To be honest i was having too much fun removing their limbs to notice wether or not they were intelligently flanking me

The problem here is that fucknuts seems to have forgotten that Wolfenstein is a game that is born around a single central premise: SHOOTING NAZIS. Then, in 2001, Return to Castle Wolfenstein expanded on this premise by shooting ZOMBIE NAZIS. This is as complicated as it should be. The game doesn’t need a backup squad of allies and a tactical battle plan, it needs one man with some massive fucking guns EXPLODING FUCKING NAZIS HEADS OFF.

Retarded quote number 4:

It all adds up to a game that doesn’t really seem to know what it wants to be. The rather shapeless single-player campaign can be fun, but then “fun” is a lot like “nice” – a toothless and insipid platitude so bland as to be essentially meaningless. Running around blasting Nazis and monsters is fun, at the most basic level, but is it deliberately old-fashioned, or just hopelessly outdated?

There literally are not enough facepalms to do this paragraph justice. I suppose McFuckballs has a point though. Generally, whenever i describe something as being fun, for instance, anal sex on Sophie Howard, what i actually mean is, its so boring I CRIED. If (when) one day i am balls deep in Sophie Howard  i just know ill be thinking to myself ‘THIS IS A SIX OUT OF TEN EXPERIENCE!!’. Whenever i describe something as fun, im actually purposefully using the most mediocre superlative my thesaurus can fling at me to describe it because ‘fun‘ is obviously anything BUT fun. Like that time i worked as an international super spy in world war 2 where i encountered a secret Nazi plot perpetrated by occult obsessed SS officers to create a race of super soldiers and use occult magical energy to create super weapons to destroy the allies and plunge the earth into eternal darkness and only myself and my arsenal of fantastical weaponry can possibly save humanity from extinction, when i say it was fun, it actually BORED MY FUCKING BOLLOCKS OFF.

Tesla cannons, Particle Accelerators, zombie Nazis, Leather clad dominatrix Nazi assassins, its all terribly tedious 'fun'
Tesla cannons, Particle Accelerators, zombie Nazis, Leather clad dominatrix Nazi assassins, its all terribly tedious 'fun'

Right, that’s fuckheads review out of the way, all that’s left for me to say is that Wolfenstein is FUCKING AMAZING. It has Nazis, it has Zombie Nazis, it has upgradeable rifles cabable of blasting limbs off, it has invisisble ninja nazi assassins, super soldiers, demonic SS officers, lingere clad whores, Leather catsuit bound Nazi dominatrices, spooky castles, hidden laboratories full of nazi experiments, Tesla cannons that can electrocute an entire room of people to death, Nazi zeppelin attacks, flamethrowers, mutated freaks, KNIVES, NUKES, SHARP STICKS!!! Its about as fun as exploding 2 people with one bullet from a K98 while stabbing a dominatrix to death can be, which is to say, EXTREMELY FUCKING FUN.
Some people like to go to the cinema and enjoy the shit out of a film like ‘Rambo’, and at the same time have artsy shit like ‘No country for Old Men’ in their top 5 of all time.  And some people like to play a straightforward shooter where the focus is on shooting things without needing moral dilemmas or mini games or other ‘modern day’ influences in their first person shooter.
Wolfenstein is old school through and through, but its no 6/10.  And eurogamer are staffed by downs sufferers.

Advertisements