Japanese porno games: The very NSFW review

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Sex and gaming really are inseperable nowadays. So far in the short lived carreer of this blog, we’ve delved into tame tittilation (Tomb Raider), to the blatantly oversexualised (Dead or Alive series) to the clinically fucking insane (sonic the hedgehog porn). But one thing most of these games have in common is that generally the tits are an afterthought. Like “Hey how can we make this mediocre fighting game sell a few copies? PUT SOME FUCKING TITS IN IT!”. But today were going to find out just how perverted games can get, when instead of the tits being slapped onto a game, the game gets slapped onto the tits…

When most sane people think of Japan, they think of Godzilla, paedophiles, tentacle rape, and Godzilla raping people with tentacles. But its not all good, unbeknownst to many people, there’s also a much seedier side of Japan that likes to furiously jerk off to cartoons, and watch cartoons of people furiously jerking off, whislt jerking off.
Welcome to the world of 3D Custom Girl, what can very liberally be described as a ‘game’, or more accurately described as ‘morbidly depressing wankathon for people who get a bonk on from cartoons’. You may think that wanking to cartoons is a niche market, but in Japan its practically the national fucking sport.

The game begins with an introduction from this pair of talking breasts, who for the purposes of this review we will nickname Chesty:

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Also, i shall be translating all the games speech from Japanese to English using Babelfish.

Hello Chesty!

Today! Is the fact that my chest is expanded liked?

Erm, yes Chesty, it is. Anyway, after youve spent a few minutes ogling Chestys massive norks, the first thing that may strike you is “These damn tits just arent fucking big enough”. Thats okay. 3D Custom girl has anticipated this. 3d Custom Girls tits work on a sliding fucking scale, which ranges from 0 (Keira Knightley) to 10 (Dolly Parton)

I'm actually mildly disappointed that this is as large as they get

I'm actually mildly disappointed that this is as large as they get

Wow Chesty, looks like someone has super sized your happy meal!

hehe! The stupidity where I whom you like am large?

Eh, yeah, sure. Just stop saying things now Chesty.

So, now youve created your gigantic breasted behemoth, what the fuck do you do with it? Wheres the game?? Well, much like a recently released rapist, the first thing youre going to want to do is give her a good old fashioned gropefest. Lets watch:

Well! ! My chest, certain it is decided very and is bad but you do not have to grope that

Are you still saying things Chesty? I thought i told you to shut up.

As you can see, its a game that practically screams ‘SEX OFFENDER’.

So, now you’ve gotten the basics of sexual assault and breast enhancement surgery out of the way, what the fuck else is there to do with this crime against humanity masquerading as a video game? Lets go play dress up fun game!

Left to right: Slutty Schoolgirl, Slutty French Maid, Slutty Businesswoman/Cat Hybrid

Left to right: Slutty Schoolgirl, Slutty French Maid, Slutty Businesswoman/Cat Hybrid

So youv’e got your slutty businesswoman/cat hybrid, but you just cant shake the nagging doubt that, god dammit, this just isnt fucking weird enough for me! Well, fret ye not, because 3d Custom girl is on hand to sort that out for you.

........

........

An eyepatch worn underneath a pair of glasses, bat ears growing out of her head, shoulderpads bigger than an NFL linebacker, yes, were definitely in fucking Japan.
So yeah. Anyway, you’ve created your abomination unto god and everything on this earth, now its time to do what this game was designed for. Have badly animated sex with it. Firstly, choose from a variety of positions:
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Choose anything  from doggy, reverse cowgirl, tromboning, 69′ing, right up to good old fashioned missionary. Oddly enough tentacle rape is not an option. For the purposes of this test i have selected ‘suck job’:

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Ignoring for one second that it looks like Chesty is trying to suck off the invisible man, lets just do a double take here, this is a game that lets you create anime girls solely for the purposes of making them suck off the invisible man.
Not only that but with frantic clicking of the mouse on Chesty’s head you can simulate a rather intense face fucking session.

This is literally THE BEST FUCKING GAME I HAVE EVER PLAYED IN MY GODDAMN LIFE.

If this game was capable of making a sandwich and beaming it directly into my mouth via USB  i would literally never leave my house again.
The Japanese may be insane, paedophilic rape loving weirdos, but when it comes to making games, god dammit they know what the public wants. The public wants to OGLE SCHOOLGIRLS WITH MASSIVE TITS, and finally, thanks to 3D custom girl, that dream is now a step closer to reality, without the threat of a long term jail sentence.

God bless you, Japan.

4 Responses

  1. Nice article. Good lines:

    “You may think that wanking to cartoons is a niche market, but in Japan its practically the national fucking sport.”

    “Are you still saying things Chesty?”

  2. [...] Japanese porno games: The very NSFW review August 2009 2 comments [...]

  3. how do you get this

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