Modern day videogaming is rife with ideas culled from any number of straight to DVD movies. From such cinematic offal  as Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus to feel good celluloid flotsam Private Valentine: Blonde and Dangerous starring cinematic heavyweight Jessica Simpson, video games have always plundered ideas from Hollywoods brightest stars. However, much like every cinematic banquet of  Aliens is generally followed with an hour of liquid shits in the form of Starship Troopers 3: Troopers to the rescue, (may or may not be a real title) not everything plundered from Hollywood and imported into a videogame is entertainment gold.

STEREOTYPE 1: ALL BLACK MEN ARE ANGRY/VIOLENT AND LOVE HIP HOP

As seen in: Call of duty 4, Killzone 2, anything set in a war.

Black guys: Angry
Black guys: Angry

Meet Call of Duty 4’s Sgt Griggs. Take a close look at that picture. You may have noticed several things:

1: Griggs is BLACK
2: Griggs is carrying a BIG GUN
3: He looks particularly ANGRY (possibly at THE MAN)
4: Griggs fucking loves  HIP HOP

“Fair enough” you say, “he’s a guy, he’s in the middle of a war. Surely he has a right to be pissed off? You’re just a massive fucking racist, why am i reading this blog, you fucking racist racist!”

Now meet Augustus ‘cole train’ Cole.

Another black guy: Angry
Another black guy: Angry

Take a close look at that photo and take note of a few hard to spot details such as:
1: Cole Train is BLACK
2: He is very ANGRY about things
3:He is carrying a BIG GUN with a fucking CHAINSAW on it (out of shot)
4: He fucking loves HIP HOP

There is a pattern forming here.

Having not met many black guys in my life, thanks to video games i am now more than 100% certain that the next black guy i see is going to shoot me, rape me while high 5’ing his buddies, smoking weed, and shouting ‘DAYYYYUM’. And then make a rap video out of it.
But its not all hideous stereotypes of angry soldiers who love nothing more than to shout at you and go DAYYYYUM.

They can also be hip hop loving drug smoking violent criminals.

GTA: Improving racial stereotypes as well as Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffanys
GTA: Improving racial stereotypes as well as Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffanys

Meet Carl ‘CJ’ Johnston, star of Grand theft auto: San Andreas. A young African American man struggling to come to terms with the death of his mother and overbearing siblings. A harrowing tale of how grief and loss can destroy families. If this sounds like some shit out of ‘the bridges of madison county’, i should probably explain that Carl deals with his grief by murdering, drug dealing/consuming, fuckin ho’s, stealing, and listening to a metric fuckton of HIP HOP.

Using science, i have created a pie chart to show the differing roles of black guys in video games

science
science

Oh, i’m sorry, i forgot they can also be wrestlers:

Holy shit
Holy shit

Wow.

Real life quivalent:

50_cent_SE

Curtis ’50 cent’ Jackson, who just so happens to star in his own video game, where he is a FOUL MOUTHED, GUN TOTING, MURDERING, HIP HOP STAR GANGSTA who loves MONEY. In other words, doing everything humanly possible to live up to the stereotype of all black men being GUN TOTING FOUL MOUTHED KILLER RAPPERS.
Good job, fiddy…

Stereotype 2: ALL WOMEN HAVE BREASTS BIGGER THAN YOUR HEAD

MASSIVE FUCKING TITS
MASSIVE FUCKING TITS

Sex sells. Videogames sell. What could possibly sell better than sex or videogames? SEX IN VIDEOGAMES.
In an unprecedented move that nobody could have forseen, in the mid 90’s Core design, for better or worse, realised that alot of sofa masturbating terminal singletons played videogames. A boardroom, a takeaway pizza, and the biggest motherfucking business brainstorming session since the birth of Cherry coke, and the marriage of THE BIGGEST FUCKING TITS IN THE WORLD and VIDEOGAMES merged, much like Jordan attempting to squeeze her ridiculousy inflated tits into a training bra.

untitled
Literally minutes of brainstorming went into those breasts.

Tomb Raider‘s enormous breasts were only the beginning of the smut-in-videogames avalanche that was to begin with such uninspired, tedious offal  as BMX-XXX, a game that was designed to be controversial by providing player with PG-13 rated video clips of strippers dancing, failing to realize that anyone with a PC in 2002 was never more than a mouse click away from pictures of dwarves fisting goats with their entire head, and therefore rendered BMX XXX’s brand of controversial smut almost wholesome.

If this shit doesnt get you a hard on you are OFFICIALLY GAY
If this shit doesnt get you a hard on you are OFFICIALLY GAY

But you cant talk about tits in videogames without mentioning one company, pioneers of the enormous juggs in videogames genre, that is, TECMO. Since Dead or alive on the playstation in 1996 no company has striven to outdo Tomb Raider for amount of enormous fucking tits on display per second of game time. Playing a game developed by Tecmo is akin to being sexually assaulted by the playboy mansion, all you’ll see is extreme violence and tits beating you about the face and neck.

Lets take a look:

tina-doax2

This is Tina. Tina is a rocket scientist creating a vaccine to fight the spread of swine flu possibly. In her spare time she likes nothing more than extreme violence and skimpy beachwear.

girls

Ayane & Kasumi are Ninjas who are masquerading as lingere models. In between disembowling enemies and backflipping their way around Japan, they like to spend their time relaxing in skimpy beachwear.

lei4_2Lei Fang is a college student, and much like most college girls in any videos i’ve seen, she does fuck all studying, hangs around wearing skimpy beachwearin her spare time, and has a propensity for being borderline sexually assaulted by old men on trains.

christie_doa4

Christie is a sexy assassin who just so happens to dress like a whore, masquerades as a whore, and is basically just a WHORE who happens to KILL THE FUCK OUT OF PEOPLE in her spare time. Sort of like a sexier Aileen Wournos.

Real life Equivalent:

BennyHill

The Benny Hill show. Possibly the only thing more camp and more insulting to women than the entire dead or alive series. Actually, no, it is’nt.

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