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With the release of Resident Evil 5, TFPG commemorates the real hero of the resident evil saga, Barry Burton.

Urban dictionary defines Barry Burton as:

“One of the supporting characters in Resident Evil. A by-product of poor script writing and shitty voice acting”

It also describes A Barry Burton as:

A very intense poo (may result in stinging)

After a rather exessive meal at a classy restaurant the need for a poo has heightened. This results in a long serious poo in the restaurant rest room or a random toilet. The poo can take upto an hour leading to serious mental strength loss and the waste (poo) results in an image like the late great Barry Burton.

Both of which are obviously completely wrong. A Barry White is rhyming slang for taking a shit, not a Barry Burton, and GINGER BEARDED LEGEND is the correct description of Barry, not a “supporting character”.

But to understand Barry burton, the man, the legend, what motivates him, his desires, his musky aura, we must return to 1996, and the introduction to Resident Evil 1.

Now freeze frame at 0:38.

BEARD
BEARD

Look at that fucking beard.
The man looks like a cross between a beard and a god. But the beard is only one reason why Burton is a long revered addition to the Resident Evil series. To talk about Barry Burton and not mention his PHENOMENAL. ACTING. TALENT. would be wholly remiss.

One word: outstanding. I don’t know if its the awkward pause after Barry rescues Jill where you half expect Jill to offer Barry a suck job by way of thanks, the reference to being a ‘Jill Sandwich’, or perhaps this fantastic piece of oscar worthy dialogue/acting:

Jill: “But Barry, didn’t you say you were going back to the dining room to do some research. Why on earth areyouhere.”
Barry: long pause
Barry: “eh”
Barry: “I just had something i wanted to check. NOW! Lets get back to searching for the lost Captain & Chris shall we.”

Incredible. But wait just one fucking minute. If you haven’t been impressed yet, this next clip is guaranteed to make you lose your shit.

Jill: “What is this all about? I cant figure it out at all”
Barry: “Beats me too”
Jill: “Now its Wesker’s time to disappear. I dont know what’s going on”
Barry: “Well it cant be helped”

Of course confusion cant be helped around Barry Burton. Men are confused of their sexuality, women are just confused in general. But holy fuckballs, if you thought that exchange of dialouge was earthshaking, put your head between your legs and prepare for the fucking megaton when Barry hands Jill a lockpick and calls her ‘the master of unlocking’. WOAH! Holy FUCK! I think i actually shit my pants. This scene literally couldn’t be any better even if Steven Segal was in it.

But we’re not done by a long chalk. The amazing just keeps on coming.

Barry very astutely points out that they are in a dining room, after they enter the dining room. Thank you Barry, the grand dining table and cutlery had me confused as to wether i was in a dining room or a recording studio for a few minutes there. Phew!

Lets take a look at how Barry has inspired people all over the world

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Thats right, Barry Burton cosplay. Note the low hanging crotch, presumably to accomodate Barry’s monster sized cock.
This is one of literally tens of examples of hero worship of Barry Burton from all over the globe. However the best examples can only be found by going back to youtube, to the Barry Burton remixes.

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