The internet is a strange, scary place. Stray too far from your homepage and your favourite hardcore porn site, and you can find all manner of deviant fetishes that will rape your memories and sear images into your brain like the white hot fire of an imploding sun. Today we’re trawling the depth of the twisted imagination of the internet so you don’t have to…


If the internt had a food chain of geekdom, IT nerds would be the top predator, online gamers & WOW addicts would be the middle tier, and rabid playstation & xbox fanboys would be the bottom rung on the ladder. But if you were to take a step even fucking lower than the bottom feeders, you would uncover the lamentable figure of the person who writes erotic literature based on a fucking cartoon hedgehog.

A particularly disturbing offering comes in the form of this highly sensual story where Tails (a cartoon fox with two tails, hence the monkier tails) arrives home to find what we can only assume is, in this twisted nightmare, his girlfriend Cream (a rabbit) after indulging in a bout of self harm. This is obviously a massive turn on for Tails, as they start fucking as best a teenager with a hard on for cartoon animals can describe, which is to say, extremely shittily.

“Cream don’t be. It’s…..” he abruptly stopped and locked his eyes on the girl’s arm; gazing upon a patch of discoloration that looked to be like dried up blood. “Cream….what’s that?” he asked while emphasizing his curiosity with a point of his finger to her arm. Taken by surprise at the question, Cream quickly began to shield her self inflicted wound from the piercing eyes of the kitsune and cover the forgotten razor blade with her knee.

“Nothing…..I….I….I….I fell.”

“When? Let me see.”

“NO!” She quickly shouted as she pulled away from the kitsune’s reach, “I’m fine. Leave it alone.”

“Why? If you just fell, why can’t I take a look at it?”

“Because it’s personal!!!!”

“CREAM!” Tails shouted as he yanked the bunny from the far side of the bed, bringing her form closer to his, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

Powerful stuff you’ll agree. But then the tale takes an unexpected turn for the completely fucked up ‘are these people seriously writing this shit about a fucking cartoon rabbit’, when we find the disturbing secret behind Cream’s self harm.  Cream was actually raped.

“Then make love to me Tails. Pretend I am a virgin….just for tonight. Pretend I wasn’t raped. Pretend that I am still pure. Pure for you.”

Tails grinned slightly as he brought himself towards Cream’s ear once again, allowing his breath to sooth and calm her tense body as chills of delight ran down her spine. “You are pure cream. Those assholes took you and stole your virginity from you. But you will always be pure. At least in my eyes. I will never look at you any different than I am now cream and I am true when I tell you that I love you.”

It’s right about now i’d like to invite you to take a look at Tails the fox & Cream the rabbit and see just what the inspiration for this gritty tale of modern day alienation, sexual & physical abuse, and twisted love comes from.

Cartoons: sexy
Cartoons: sexy

What the fucking fuck???


Mario & Luigi as they appear to sane people
Mario & Luigi as they appear to sane people

Mario is arguably  the most recognisable videogame icon of all time. Alongside Pac-Man and those blocky aliens from space invaders, no other character has captured the hearts, minds, and now with the advent of the internet, the moist crotches of gamers.
Erotic fanfiction of a fox fucking a rabbit is one thing. Erotic fanfiction of Mario fucking princess peach is another. But there is a level below both of these, a level that could best be described as Dante-meets-Bosch-meets-erotic fanfiction, where we find Mario & Luigi homosexual incest fanfiction.

“Yipee!” He couldn’t take his eyes off of Luigi’s neck. He was wearing the cream Zegna shirt that he had gotten him when they went shopping in Chicago. The collar rested comfortably without being tight and without being too casual. He always looked comfortable. That was something that attracted Mario in the first place. That and they were brothers. He knew that it was an inappropriate time right now considering the gravity of the conversation but he couldn’t help but want to place has arms around that smooth neck and press his lips firmly to Luigi’s. Their mustaches brushing against each other and making that soft bristle noise as they passed over each other.

The rest of this story is almost too disturbing to post here. Suffice to say it reads like  the opening scene of Raging Bull crossed with Brokeback mountain and set in the Mario Universe.

Mario let the robe drop to the floor.

“Are you kidding me, Mario? Are you kidding me?” Luigi swept his arm across the top of the table. The glass went smashing onto the wall and the bowl of chili hit Mario below his belly button. The pyrex bowl landed on the floor but did not shatter. The chili which was merely warm oozed down Mario’s belly and over his exposed genitals mixing with hair.

I’m not sure whats more disturbing. The gay incest, the food fetish, or the fact that the story culminates with Mario licking piss off a toilet. Seriously, there’s only so much of this shit you can read without losing all faith in humanity.

Mario & Luigi as they appear to repressed sexual deviants
Mario & Luigi as they appear to repressed sexual deviants


The least gay picture of Leon from RE4 google could find
The least gay picture of Leon from RE4 google could find

To be fair to the Resident Evil fanfiction, it is probably the least disturbing and best written of all the turgid shit i had to trawl through in order to write this article. But garnering praise for being the best example of erotic videogame fanfiction is like getting a medal for being the least mental in a nuthouse comprised solely of patients who eat their own shit.

At least the RE fanfiction is a common or garden variety gay fantasy between Leon Kennedy & Luis Sera of Resident Evil 4.

“Ugh, Leon, help!” Leon turned and saw that two ganado’s had grappled Luis, his gun long since knocked to the floor. A third ganado proceeded toward Luis, tearing open the spaniards shirt, trailing a foul tongue down the lightly haired, toned frame.

At any other time, the gay Leon would have gawked at Luis’s wonderful form, those slender toned muscles, that beautiful tanned skin, and just right amount of black hair that coated his chest, and the thicker trail that went from the navel to parts beyond the hem of his jeans. But at the moment, concern racked through him.

At least, it is a common or garden variety homosexual fantasy until the infected start molesting Luis.

Leon looked up and saw that two ganado’s were molesting Luis, one were making a fun time out of licking the spanish scientist nipples, the other ravishing his mouth with his tongue.

Luis couldn’t help but let out a moan as the infected tongue raped his mouth, and the other’s mouth worked wonders his tanned form. Luis’s eyes widened in shock as he felt a tentacle shoot up from the ganado’s throat and into his mouth. Luis tried to pull away, but the other ganado’s held him still.

I actually flat refuse to post any more of this story as it basically involves Leon & Luis sexually pleasuring every single zombie in the cabin, climaxing (literally) with Leon on all fours serving 2 at once.

“Shit…for a bunch of infected villagers,…you can fuck a guy into a coma…”

Jesus Christ.