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S’up motherfuckers? It’s ya boy Rico motherfuckin Velasquez here to do a motherfucking review, of fuckin Killzone 2 aight? So sit back, relax, grab a fuckin drink or sumtin’, and enjoy the fuckin show bitches.

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Title: Killzone fuckin’ two, all up in yo’ shit
Format fuckin reviewed: PLAYSTATION  TRIPPLE, BITCHES

Aight, so check this fuckin shit out. Killzone 2 is the sequel to much fuckin maligned PS2 ‘halo killer’, Kill fuckin zone, and PSP semi-sequel, Killzone bitchass liberation.
Kill god damn zone 2 follows the story of motherfuckin’ Sgt Sevchenko and the invasion on the shitcocking planet Helghan. To be brutally fuckin honest, i cant actually remember Sgt. Sevchenkos first name, because as you will come to realise ove the course of the fuckin game, every single character, including yours truly, is completely fuckin’ forgettable, and cliched to to the point of being a fuckin’ parody.
So check this fuckin shit out.  Once you take control of Sev, you find yo’ fuckin ass in an extremely fucking impressive opening scene, depicting a futuristic ‘Saving private ryan’ style beach assault. Dont believe me? Watch it fo yo motherfuckin self!

As your fuckin eyeballs can see, graphically killzone motherfuckin 2 is streets ahead of most current fuckin console shooters. At times , it really does fuckin feel like yo punk ass is sittin right the fuck in the fuckin middle of a fuckin’ movie.
Anyway, once that impressive intro is out of the fuckin way, its on to the fuckin main course, the gamep itself. And this is where it all fuckin falls apart.

The story is weak as a fuckin’ kitten. The reasons for being on planet fuckin’ Helghan are barely fuckin explained at all. For the 10 fuckin people out there who actually fuckin finished Killzone 1 & Liberation, it probably makes sense.  For the fuckin’ rest of us? Might aswell make the fuckin’ story up as you go along, which ironically, would probably prove to be more fuckin’ entertaining. Fuckin’.

The members of Alpha squad are about as fuckin forgettable’ as a Michael Bay movie. You’ll be hard dickassing pressed to remember the names of the people you’re fighting alongside, nevermind give two fucks about them when one or two of em eventually fuckin’ die and yo cheesefuck ass is supposed to give a ripe shit.
Dialogue is almost as fuckin forgettable as the characters, with a motherfuckin dickfacingly astro-fuckin-nomical amount of  TITTYFUCKINGLY UN-FUCKING-NECESSARY SWEARING.

Hi, I'm Rico. Prepare to fuckin' hate me.
Hi, I'm Rico. Prepare to fuckin' hate me.

Kill fuckin zone 2 seems only know 2 styles of fuckin gameplay. Either SHIT IS BLOWIN THE FUCK UP ALL AROUND YOU WITHOUT A FUCKIN LET UP, or yo ass is watchin a fuckin cut scene. One or the fuckin other.
Playing the fuckin game soon becomes a grind, with no fuckin let up in the fuckin action at all. This might sound like one ass fuckingly great idea, but 8 hours of puttin up with non stop explosions, swearing, more explosions, shoutin and fuckin screamin will practically give you fuckin shellshock, or in this case, shitshock.

Controlling the game MAKES ME WANNA BREAK SUMTIN!! Controls are un-fuckin-responsive as fuck, they’re sluggish, inaccurate, and frustrating. Things are not helped by the fuckin sixaxis controller. That damn design is 10 fuckin years old, and startin to show its fuckin age. And while i can appreciate that the developers were purposely trying to put a genuine fuckin feeling of weight behind your movements, what’s a great idea in fuckin theory, aint always such a cockfarming fantastic idea in execution.

Enemy intelligence is pretty motherfuckin top notch. with enemies moving they fuckin asses from cover to fuckin cover and trying to fuckin flank you. It’s just a shame that the fuckin friendly AI is as fuckin retarded as i am. My main goal in the game is to motivate you to push through the fuckin slog of the campaign by SHOUTING FUCKIN SWEAR WORDS AT YOU, and by standing right the fuck in yo line of fuckin sight any time yo fuckin vagina faced ass is trying to shoot an enemy.

There are only 2 colours on Helghan, greay, and fuckin brown
There are only 2 colours on Helghan, grey, and fuckin brown

Unfortunately for fuckin Killzone 2, what really hobbles the game is an overall lack of fuckin ambition. There are zero new ideas on display here, and not even old fuckin ideas updated for a modern fuckin shooter. Without the facefucking visuals, yo ass might aswell be sat in front of a fuckin playstation 1 playing medal of melonfucking honor 1. The game has about as much imagination as a fuckin lobotomy patient, which is to say, not fuckin much.

This game recieves a hefty motherfuckin

picard-facepalm1

facepalm.

Fuck.

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