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Gears of war 2 was a fantastic game. We can all agree that one thing missing from the shooter genre is bulky man mountain space marines gurning their way through dialogue such as ‘THEY’RE SINKING CITIES WITH A GIANT WORM!’ and ‘heard theres a shitlod of grubs down there sarge’, ‘more like ten shitloads’.  Add extreme violence into the mix and youre onto a solid gold winner. Games need more of that shit. but what could’ve been added, or possibly added to a future GOW game to make the dialouge even fucking better? Or the action even more kidney punchingly fantastic? Read on.

Hilarious
Winos: Hilarious

1: TRAMP DOES DOUBLE TAKE AT A WINE BOTTLE

Whats the gist of it?:

Everybody’s been there. You’ve seen something so fantastical that you can only stand slack jawed in amazement, rubbing your eyeholes, nudge the guy next to you and say ‘did you see that fucking shit Bro?’. But thats so 00’s. If you were in the 1980’s, and you were in an action film, there was only one way to express disbelief, and thats via the medium of the wino. Something happens, a flying car appears, a robot materializes from thin air of the future, and etc. Something so shocking it defies belief. How does one express this disbelief on the silver screen? Cut to a shot of a wino, lying under a pile of newspapers and clutching a bottle of hooch to his chest. He’s just seen the flying car/robot. His mouth agape, eyeballs protruding from his unwashed face.  Is it all the years of addling his brains with 100 proof liquor finally catching up with him? Is it real? He looks at his wine bottle, looks back at the flying car/robot, looks back to his wine bottle, shrugs nonchalantly as if to say ‘Hey, if it’s real, i don’t care because i’m so off my tits on cheap booze, if its a hallucination, it means i’ve probably got a form of brain cancer and will be out of this living hell soon anyway’. He takes another sip, and hilarity ensues.

As seen in: Any film that was a mix of action and comedy in the 80’s

How it could work in Gears of war: How the fuck would you deal with seeing a giant worm destory a whole city?? You’d do a double take at a wine bottle.

pointy
Fingers: pointy

2: Angry Chief of police tells hero ‘YOU’VE GOT 24 HOURS!’

Whats the gist of it?:
In most people’s careers, they will at one point royally fuck something up. Be it napping on the job, wanking on the job, stealing on the job, or murdering on the job. But in the annals of history there’s a fuck up so bad that there can only be one response from your immediate superior. It’s not ‘you’re fired’. That would be too easy. That’s practically letting you off the fucking hook. No, when the Colombian drugs cartels seized tanker of drugs goes missing, or when a half man half robot all cop robotic cop fries its circuits and goes on a rampage, there’s only one response: ‘YOU’VE GOT 24 HOURS’. 24 hours to straighten this shit out. It takes real men to straighten things out in only 24 hours. 48 hours? For pussies. TWELVE hours? Impossible. 24 hours? The timeframe of the hero.

As seen in: Ghostbusters, Lethal weapons 1-4

How it could work in Gears of War: Dom has just lost a tanker full of seized colombian spank. Marcus has accidentally let a robot cop thats broken free of its programming loose in the city. Chairman Prescott takes them aside and tell them ‘YOU’VE GOT 24 HOURS’, and a new legend is born.

Not gay
Pilots: Not gay

3: Two rivals overcome their differences and realise their mutual respect for each other to take down a common foe

Whats the gist of it?:
This section is mostly pertaining to Top gun, so anybody who has never seen, or doesn’t like Top Gun, feel free to skip to the next section.
If Top Gun has taught us anything, its that:

  • Russians are evil and must be stopped in the most flippant & humiliating way possible
  • Even gay men can fuck Kelly McGillis
  • The less attractive people die first (R.I.P Goose)
  • Kenny Loggins was the best thing to happen to the 1980’s
  • Dont fuck with Michael Ironside

But the one enduring lesson that Top Gun has taught us, nay, ingrained in our subconscience as a whole, is that when two former rivals put aside their differences and focus on stopping a shared enemy, nothing, not even the might of a soviet era Russia, can stop them. Of course i am referring to Maverick & Ice Man. The titular ‘top guns‘ of Top Gun.

That's right, he is dangerous
That's right, he is dangerous

Ice Man is threatened by Maverics raw sexuality and disregard for the rule book. Maverick is a Maverick, in the most 1980’s sense of the word. A Maverick who plays by his own rules but by god he gets results. This quite literally flies in the face of everything Ice Man stands for, namely flat top haircuts and not being gay. Or being gay, i forget. Either way, when vaguely threatened by the might of a couple of outdated fighter jets of the Russian bear, you better believe the fuck of it when Maverick & Ice man come together and send their entire fucking fleet of F-14’s after those commie fucks. The moral is, purely platonic friendship between grown men can overcome anything.

As seen in: TOP FUCKING GUN

How it could work in Gears of war: Marcus and dom take on a new recruit. He’s all ‘by the book’ and ‘regulations’ bullshit, but when Dom (the less attractive one) is killed, Marcus and the other guy overcome their differences to exact revenge on the locust.

a_001almatthews
Black men: angry

4: Loudmouth black drill instructor barks orders at people

Whats the gist of it?:

People are lazy by nature. They prefer sitting on their asses to saving the day, or having a quick nap rather than blasting aliens. This is where the Army’s secret weapon comes into play. Its not tactical smart missiles, phase-plasma pulse rifles, or RPGs, it’s not sonic electronic ball breakers! It’s not nukes,  knives, or sharp sticks…its ANGRY BLACK DRILL INSTRUCTOR BARKING ORDERS AT PEOPLE. That’s what gets shit done. Think about the pyramids, why did it take them 10 thousand years to stack a few blocks? NO BLACK GUYS. Wikipedia says it took Michaelangelo 4 years to paint the sistine chapel, but you can pretty much guarantee that time frame would have been scaled down to about 2 weeks if he’d had Sgt. Apone barking gems such as these at him:

Apone: Allright, sweethearts, you heard the man and you know the drill! Assholes and elbows!

Apone: WHAT ARE YOU? HUDSON! Get on the ready line, Marines, get some today! Get on the ready line! Move it out! Move it out, goddammit! Get hot! One, two, three, four! Get out, get out, get out! Move it out, move it out, move it out! Move it out, move it out, move it out! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven! Aaarrrrr, absolutely badassess! Let’s pack ’em in! Get in there!

Apone: All right, sweethearts, you’re a team and there’s nothin’ to worry about. We come here, and we gonna conquer, and we gonna kick some, is that understood? That’s what we gonna do, sweethearts, we are going to go and get some. All right, people, on the ready line! Are ya lean?

2 weeks? Actually forget that, more like 2 fucking hours.

As seen in: Aliens, Halo 1 – 3, Full metal jacket (tho that guy was white)

How it could work in Gears of War: Black Drill instructor shouts motivational lines at Marcus & Dom. They win the war, Black guy gets the credit. Its flawless, really.

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