So, the E3 party is over. All thats left is to clean up the house, open the windows to air out the stink of cigarettes, put on a pot of tea and wait for the hangover to subside. But after this years party, you not only find that someones vomited on your expensive persian rug, but somebody took a shit in your shoes, the toilet bowls been cracked, and someones pissed in the ice cube tray.
In previous years wev’e had megaton revelations at E3. New consoles have been revealed, scandals have been afoot, (like the Sony’s E3 05 debacle), weve laughed at Kaz Hirai’s “RIIIIIDGE RACER!” gig, and cried at that dude and his giant enemy crab.
Oh what we would’nt have done to have him and his enemy crab back this year.
Anything would have been better than the ocean of mediocrity that the ship of failure called E3 sailed upon.
Aside from some saving grace in the form of Gears of War 2, Fallout 3, and to a lesser extend, Fable 2, this years Expo was a veritable feast of cringeworthy monents, headache inducing facepalms, and enough shit to keep a sewage treatment plant busy for a lifetime.
This year MS decided that they hate their own console so much they’ve decided to completely reinvent it, only this time with 5yr olds in mind.
The ‘avatar’ system is plain pandering to the wii owning demographic. The same demographic that are either too young to buy games as they’re still in nappies, or too old to buy games as their pension doesnt cover the cost, and the nursing home’s budget can only afford Wii sports.
Ms started this E3 in a strong position, demoing sure-fire hits like GOW2, Fallout 3 & Fable 2. Games that gamers want to play. Things were looking up.
And then, ‘you’re in the movies’ happened.
I honestly dont know who came up with this idea, but whoever it was needs to be fired NOW. Out of a fucking CANNON.
Not only is this a dreadful idea, its a dreadful step in the wrong direction for MS. MS have the strongest software sales of the big 3. This is exactly the kind of ass fuckery that they DONT need in their lineup. Having a console thats seen as for the ‘hardcore’ is not a bad thing if the hardcore are consistently buying millions upon millions of copies of Halo 3, GTA4 and Gears of war. Hardcore is not a dirty word. Unless youre using it in a pornographic sense. All this kids game ‘oh look we can be hip and have shit games for 4 year olds just like the wii’ will only help alienate your core demographic, you know, gamers.
In short, knock that shit off MS.
Sony really are in a bit of a predicament right now. Since the days of the PS1, sony have been on top. And now they find themselves floundering badly behind the 360, and even behind the fucking wii. Thats like becoming WBO heavyweight champion of the world, only to lose the biggest fight of your life to a 5 year old girl.
Sure, their sales may be catching up with the 360, but gone are the days of the big exclusives all being on Sony hardware.
So now, more than ever, Sony needed to impress. And while they didn’t exactly make a cock up of Nintendo proportions, they weren’t exactly the belle of the ball either. Namely because even now, over a year after the consoles release, Sony are STILL only implementing features into the PS3 that should have beent here since day 1, namely, decent online store, rumble controllers, and Achievements, sorry, Trophies.
But Sony instead stuck to the tried and tested method of boring your detractors into submission via the use of fucking bar graphs and pie charts. Few new games were revealed, and the ones that were wer either all pre rendered footage (MAG, GoW3), or just plain shit i couldn’t care less about like DC universe online.
Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy. Oh Nintendo, what the FUCK were you thinking? The single worst showing by a market leader at E3 EVER.
In an arrogant display of not-give-a-fuckery, Nintendos E3 conference was less a slap in the face for the nintendo fan, but more of a donkey punch followed by high 5’s to all its friends, while you shamefuly pull your clothes on and try to leave the apartment as quickly as possible before bursting into floods of tears and clutching your anus.
Nintendo seem to be in an ever increasing push to force the Wii into the home of everyone who never owned a console before. A noble pursuit to tap an untapped market, but by the foulest of means, i.e. creating absolute shitfests of gaming abortions like Wii music, Wii sports, Wii losing the will to live, and Wii oh fuck, just kill me now i cant take any more party games.
E3 08 was the year Nintendo officilly turned its back on its core followers and wormed its way even further into the lucrative casual market, while alienating 90% of its faithful supporters.
The Wii is not console, its a childs toy, and E3 proved this with aplomb.
E3 08 was the year E3 officially died. A pathetic couldnt care less attitude from most of the big 3, saved only with the presence of a handful of games, has more or less put the final nail in the coffin for this trade show.