Ninja Gaiden 2
Format reviewed: Xbox 360
For several years, ninjas have fascinated mankind. Who were they? Why did they feel the need to kill so violently? Most of these questions were swiftly answered by an exploding shuriken in the face, followed by disembowelment.
And within 30 seconds of firing up Ninja Gaiden 2, you will have exploded several heads using shurikens, and lopped off enough limbs to keep an amputee porn site in busness for the next 20 years.
Ninja Gaiden 2 tells the story of Ninja Ryu Hyabusa and his never ending quest to absolutely KILL THE FUCKING SHIT out of everything that crosses his path. Lets go back a second, Ryu hyabusa isn’t just a ninja. Check his bio in the manual for Dead or Alive (another team ninja game he stars in) and you’ll see he’s officially classed as a fucking SUPER NINJA. I’m not sure what a common or garden ninja has to do to acheive SUPER NINJA status, possibly you have to murder a whole village using only your face, or similar feats.
Regardless, Ryu is a SUPER NINJA and thus spends most of NG2 concerning himself with the killing of the black spider clan ninjas. A clan of ninjas who seem to have mastered the art of training inept ninjas to serve as sword fodder for Ryu.
Ryu, not being contet with mastering the many ways to use bladed weapons to kill people, aslo took the time to master the arts of ninja magic. This isnt some Paul Daniels card trick faggotry wer’e talkin about here, nonono. Ryu has several flavours of death dealing magic at his disposal ranging from exploding stuff with fire, to exploding stuff with wind, and all points in between.
Ryu is accompanied on his journey of wading though the intestines and viscera of the black spider ninja clan by Sonia, the CIA’s bustiest secret agent. Sonia’s studies in the CIA seem to have been mostly concerned with ‘turning up to help just after all the action has taken place and you no longer need help’, and ‘being inferior to Rachel from NG1 in almost every way’. This combined with having tits bigger than her head, seem to be her main strengths. Basically, she’s about as much help as a eunuch in sperm bank.
No ninja gaiden review would be complete without taking about the ball crushing, soul destroying difficulty. NG2 is no different, featuring some of the cheapest tactics yet seen in a 3rd person action game, including, but not limited to:
- Fucking irritating ass ninja DOGS that shoot exploding shurikens at you. (they seem to have been trained in the Homer simpson ‘dogs shooting bees out of their mouths at you’ school of dog training)
- Stacked boss fights with no chance to replenish health of ninja magic in between. Cause everybody fucking LOVES playing not one but two shitty boss fights back to back.
- Bosses who explode when they die, taking you with them unless you block in time.
- Ghost fish. FUCKING GHOST FISH. Seriously, GHOST FUCKING FISH???
- Other assorted shit
Ninja Gaiden 2 is a great game marred by a few crappy levels and a general lack of Rachels fantastic dominatrix outfit.
If ninja gaiden 2 ended after chapter 4, it would score a perfect 0 picards due to its fascinating take on ultra-violence in ancient futuristic Japan. As it stands, with the bollock crushing difficulty spike after chapter 8, and the shitty water sections in chapter 5 & 6, the ridiculous exclusion of Rachel from NG1, and the fact that sonia never actually gets those baps out, i’m forced to award NG2 a whopping 4 picards out of 4.