The MS E3 conference hit the internet with all the force and verve of an octogenerian carrening her motorised cart into the magazine stand at a supermarket checkout.
First up, the good news:

  • Fallout 3 gets exclusive downloadable content.
    Thats great!! now if only half of the sweaty palmed troglodytes who populate xbox live KNEW what Fallout was, we’d be excited.
  • Gears of war 2 will kick your faces ass.
    We all know Gears 2 is going to rock harder than a Slayer gig. We didnt need E3 to tell us that.
  • Fable 2 will change the way you play games forever.
    No, it wont, That just what that cockmuncher Peter Molyneux wants us to think. It will be good, though.
  • Final Fantasy XIII WILL be on 360.
    Oh yeah!! this is the big one!! PS3 is doomed!! Oh..shit…FF games havent been any good since X. Ah well…

    The new look 360 Dashboard
    The new look 360 Dashboard

    Not content to sit on their laurels and let Nintendo swallow the highly lucrative 4yr old kid/Grandmother market, MS have done their best attempt at avoiding copyright infringement by steaing borrowing the concept of having fucking cartoon characters represent yourself online, with the inclusion of the new ‘avatars’. Fat girls & Paedos who own 360’s across the globe will rejoice at the ability to represent themselves as either adorable anime-esque characters or small Children online, rather than using a real photo taken via the xbox live vision webcam, which nobody wants to see.

    The new 'Avatar' system. Fat girls rejoice!
    The new 'Avatar' system. A Paedos playground.

    But now, the big news.
    The MEGATON.
    Microsoft…wait for it….breathe deep…MICROSOFT….have created a new game that will make you look like an EVEN BIGGER SPACKER THAN USING A WIIMOTE!!11!!1 Thats right, ‘you’re in the movies’ makes players prance about like a berk in what can only be described as the most cringe inducing display of public twattery seen since the first time you saw someone using a wiimote.
    On top of all this faggotry, MS are going to revolutionise how you interact with friends online. Ever wanted to watch a movie with a friend? WELL NOW YOU CAN! Thanks to MS, you can now download a film (which should only take several hours to DL a high def movie) and then watch it, with people youve never met before from your friends list! And then, through the magic of DRM, the film will expire after a few days! It completely saves you the constant hassle of pressing the eject button on your xbox, inserting a dvd, and watching it time after time with real friends, on your sofa.
    Microsoft also unveiled some bullshit about partnering up with HBO & Netflix to deliver even more movies and TV shows for people outside of America to not download, but lets face it, only about 10 people in America really care about that.
    All in all, the MS E3 conference went down like a Reggae band at a KKK Rally.
    Next up, SONY!!