Metal gear solid 4: Guns of the patriots (format reviewed: Xbox 360)

Okay, so i’ll get kick this one off by stating the bloody obvious: MGS4 has cut scenes. Alot of cut scenes. Probably enough cut scenes to fill at least 3 straight to DVD releases you see on sale in those dodgy asian markets, and would be at least twice as entertaining as one of those.
MGS4’s gameplay combines two of the great gaming staples that gamers have come to love over the last few generations of gaming, those being both ‘looking after elderly relatives’, and ‘hiding from shit’.
Following on from other break out hits like ‘sim nursing home’, you take control of the now age-challenged legendary hero Solid Snake. You control Snake on his final mission, which includes clutching his back in agony as his sciatica flares up, complaining about kids on his lawn, and unconfirmed as of yet but possibly muttering ‘im too old for this shit’ a la Danny Glover in Letal Weapons 1 – 4.

Snake, despite his age however, is still a far better action hero than Danny Glover ever was. But then again Glover DID kill the predator in Predator 2, so i guess its a close run thing. Anyway, Snakes final mission sees him infiltrating a middle eastern militia on the hunt for his Brother/nemesis/hand attached to the body of another nemesis who is now under control of the hand, Liquid Snake. (stop me whenever this starts sounding implausible).

The graphical detail shows why this game can ONLY be on PS3

So, he may be old, but can he still kick arse? CAN HE FUCK! If snake was your grandad, you can forget about being put on his lap and feeding your Werthers originals with a seedy glint in his eye, Snake would be more likely to snap your arm in 17 places while beating information out of you until you soil yourself and sob like a little girl, after which he’d light up a smoke, and go rattle your grandmother for a few hours. In other words, hes still more hardcore than you will ever be.

It’s a man, if you were wondering.

Veteran ladyboy Raiden makes a comeback in a  desperate attempt to make up for forcing us endure his whiny bitching for 10 hours of sons of liberty. And what a comeback it is, Raiden seems to have had some testicles surgically attached to his vagina since his debut in MGS2, and spends roughly 90% of his screen time killing things with swords, killing things with lightning, or kiling things with swords clenched between his teeth while shooting lightning, possibly from his anus. Though the jury is still out on wether all this ACTUALLY makes up for all the hours of my life that i spent listening to him whine like a bitch down the codec at his now ex-girlfriend, Rose, but its certainly gone someway towards redeeming him.
MGS4 goes one step beyond fan service for its latter half and dives head first into ‘Hideo Kojima masturbating frantically onto your face’ teritory, with some of the greatest moments of fan-dom seen in any series conclusion. This is a game for MGS fans alone, and probably wont go any way towards converting newcomers. however, its a thrilling end to a (mostly) thrilling series.

Snakes final mission is a cinematic masterpiece, and the best MGS game in the series since MGS1. As such, it scores a perfect ZERO Picards, and is awarded the coveted Riker of approval!