Everybody loves Hobos. Call them what you will, winos, bums, derelicts, social parasites, at one stage or another everyone has fantasised about what it would be like to be a vagrant. Metallica wrote ‘wherever i may roam’ about the life of a tramp, the proclaimers had a song about walking 500 miles which was obviously an indirect reference to being sans housing. Hell we even let itinerants box for us in the olympics from time to time and then get a cheap laugh when they lose. And thus begins Condemned 2: Bloodshot, with you playing as a loveable tramp named Ethan Thomas, forraging for some booze in a dumpster.
As we all know tramps spend most of their days wanking in a pair of soiled trousers and drinking as much petrol as they can from the nozzles of pertol pumps before being chased away by the police. Ethan Thomas is a different breed of hobo, having survived the thrilling, pychologically affecting horror of Condemned: criminal origins, he’s now gone completely batshit mentalist. Now living on the streets and off the force, Ethan is forced to spend his days drinking dutch Gold from a discarded shoe, and being plagued by nightmarish visions.
Ethan Thomas, yesterday
Hobos are apparrently a vicious and warlike race of people, much like a Klingon, or Eskimo, as Ethan spends most of his time pummeling the faces of other hobos. And so goes the next 8-10 hours (depending on how unlucky you are) of Condemned 2. Apparrently the developers were bored with the psychological horror of Condemned 1 and wanted to branch out in a new direction, that direction being ‘trying to cause as many facepalm inducing moments in a single game as possible’.
Condemned 2 runs the facepalming gamut of everything from half arsed mini games of trying to use magnets to pick up giant metal…robot…monsters (?) to watching a news channel whos female presenter will irritate to a point where you literally try and sodomise yourself with the game box just to take your mind off how irritating her voice is.
Core gameplay consists of beatign the living shit out of societies most vulnerabe people, and performing crime scene investigations. Or, being held by the hand and walked through some retardedly simple crime scene investigations. This revolves around looking at say, a dead body, and answering questions that are sent back to the lab. I.E. ‘is the suspect male or female?’ um. Well HE looks like a guy so im going to go out on a limb and say hes a guy. *facepalm*. ‘whats his name?’ well his nametag says ‘johnston’ but the game is giving me 5 different options to choose from so maybe ill need to take an hour to think about it and get the boys from the lab to look into it’. *facepalm*
The violence is the one saving grace of Condemned 2, it’s bloody, its brutal, and its more fucked up than a middle class Emo kid with a packet of razor blades. However after spending 10 minutes pummeling the face off a woman dressed in a harlequin outfit while she pirouetted around the room, then crushing the shit out of her head in a vice, i had to question the direction the developers were going here.
While i could go on in great detail about the many facepalms of condemned 2, (the grizzly bear who’s saliva tendrils make it look like hes just eaten someones trainer, the retarded ‘fixing a fuse’ section in an elevator thats on fire, the magic man section) ihowever the entire games experience can be summed up iin the following sentence: I played condemned 2 right up to the end. I got to the last boss, and then traded in the game before even bothering to kill him. I just didn’t give a flying fuck at a rolling donut what happened in the end, unlike the sublime Condemned 1. This game is a massive shitstain on the good name of condemned 1, which you can pick up cheaper, and is a far greater game than this pile of tramp wank. And you wont have to listen to that fucking australian twat on the TV’s either.
Condemned 2 recieves an unprecedented 4 Picards out of 4