Battlefield: Bad Company
(Format reviewed: Xbox 360)
A great man once said, “War. It’s FAAAAAAANTASTIC!”. That great man was the guy who gets killed by Red Foreman in ‘Robocop’, in the ‘bitches leave!’ scene. I Forget his name. But the quote comes from hot shots part deux, as far as i can recall. Robocop was obviously the superior film, but unfortunately i cant think of any war related quotes from that Film.
But i digress. War. It really is fan-fucking-tastic, if Battlefield: Bad company is any kind of a yardstick for just how much fun its possible to have while risking your life for a hopeless cause and dying FACE DOWN IN THE MUD like all those fine young men who’ve gone gently into that good night before us.
Bad Company is FUN. Pure, unadulterated FUN. Its not ‘snorting lines of coke off a strippers anus while driving a Ferrari around the deck of your own personal yacht’ fun, but it’s pretty much as close as you can get, without having to kidnap a hooker, and steal a Ferrari.
Bad company sees your character, Preston Marlow, as he joins the titular ‘bad company’, and thus begins a story of yadda yadda yadda, BLOW SHIT UP.
You see Bad company isn’t a game like Metal Gear that will have you watching hours and hours of cut scenes and characters talking about their feelings like some half arsed school play. Its like the anti-metal gear, in that it gives you motivation (stealing mercenary gold), and then gives you guns, and lets you have at it, without interrupting you every 2 minutes to see if you need a fucking chat about your emotions.
Talking about feelings: only for complete fags
Bad Company lets us fulfil our most vivid ‘workplace rampage with an M16 & attached grenade launcher’ fantasies, by literally letting you BLOW THE FUCKING SHIT out of everything (almost) in sight. Unlike most games that have gone before it, walls and locked doors no longer prove to be your mortal enemy. Locked door in the way? BLOW IT THE FUCK UP. Enemy hiding behond a wall? BLOW IT THE FUCK UP. Just feel like blowing up a house for the fuck of it? BLOW IT THE FUCK UP WITH SOME ARTILLERY!!! The fun, quite literally, never ends.
I could go on all day about how much fun it is to blow stuff up with grenades, but i would be lacking in my reviewing skills if i didnt mention the Gunwank. BC practically busts a nut of incredibly detailed weapon models, excellent reload animations, and some of the best weapon sounds heard in a game all over your face, like you were a nublie young Asian Lady at a bukkake party staged by the NRA.
Gunwank: The second best type of wank
In Summary, Bad Company may just be the greatest game to ever have been conceived. The programmers deserve mountains of praise for having the balls to create a game centred around a solitary premise of using explosions to have fun. I was’nt there when they pitched the idea to EA, but im forced to assume it was something like this:
Dice guy: “We’ve got this idea for a game called bad company”
EA guy: “Bad fucking company?? Thats not harry potter OR john madden! GET THE FUCK OUT! SECURITY!!!”
Dice guy: “But its a great idea! you can blow up the entire game map!”
EA guy: “Learn from a professional son, Harry fucking potter is what the kids want. Not some fucking gold hunting explosion fest *lights up cigar with $100 bill*. Now get out there and make another futuristic Battlefield game. BF3142 or some shit. Just make some fucking money, iv’e got a coke habit to support you know”
Dice, i salute you, and almost, but not quite, forgive you for making Battlefield 2 the most disappointing game in the BF series to date. Oh wait, sorry, i forgot about BF2142. That was shit too.
The combination of blowing stuff up with grenades, blowing stuff up with artillery, blowing stuff up with laser guided fucking missliles, is so facepalm-free its amazing.