The Best, and Worst, of 2011. Part 2: The Agony

In some ways, 2011 has been the best year for gaming i can think of. In others, its been as disappointing as finding out Christina Hendricks’ tits are fake. I mean, they’re real and all, but Jesus, can you imagine if they weren’t? I dont know how i’d cope.

The best, and worst, of 2011. Part 1: The Ecstacy

It’s that time of year already. Time for every website occupying server space somewhere to churn out a ‘best of’ list as if they’d be permanently shut down if they didn’t. Well, im getting it out of the way early so i can spend my Christmas holidays sitting around in my housecoat, eating chocolate for breakfast and washing it down with a White Russian while watching Raiders of the Lost Ark & Trading Places. Fuck yeah Christmas!!

Dark Souls – The Review

Dark Souls
Format: PS3
Release: Out Now

Do you remember Rick Dangerous? He was Core Design’s attempt at an Indiana Jones rip off, a 16bit Era platformer where you raided Tombs, killed indigenous people and stole thier shit, and was probably the inspiration for Core’s most famous creation, Lara Croft’s tits. But this is a Dark Souls Review, so why the fuck am i talking about Rick Dangerous?

The reasons why Dark Souls Hates you

Dark Souls
Format: PS3/360
Release: Out Now

A little while back i wrote a piece called “The reasons why Demon’s Souls hates you”. (on retrospect i realized it should have been called the proof that demon’s souls hates you, but whatever). For some reason, possibly because Demon’s Souls was amazing, it proved to be a pretty popular article. So here we are, over a year later, and the cruel mistress known as Dark Souls has arrived. I say Arrived, it’s more like it kicked my front door in, tied me to a chair, beat me about the face and neck, then sexually assaulted me in the best possible way.

How to un-fuck RAGE’s graphics

Steam recently released a patch that should hopefully sort out all of RAGE’s graphical bugs. However for people stuck with a non-steam version, or maybe too dumb to patch the game, or possibly they acquired the game via nefarious means, they’re stuck with version 1.0, which has a cock so far up it’s ass it’s ticking it’s tonsils. Here’s a few tips to get it running right.

Castlevania – Lords of Shadow

Game: Castlevania: Lords of Shadow
Format: Xbox 360

Why am i reviewing a year old game now? ‘This isn’t cutting edge enough for me!’ i hear you say! Well fuck you then.
I recently bought Lords of Shadow for the Princely sum of 13 Euro, and i know now that the vast majority of the enjoyment i can glean from this miserable piss streak of a game will be slagging the shit out of it over the course of this review.

How a 3 year old game became the most visually impressive Game of 2011

Grand theft Auto 4 was a bit of a looker when it was released in early 2008. On Consoles, it was easily the most visually impressive game at the time, and in Liberty City featured the most impressive virtual recreation of New York yet seen. It’s now 3 years later and other sandbox games such as Just Cause 2 have come along and taken a dump all over GTA 4′s parade. And then hooked it’s parade to the back of a plane, parachuted out of it,  and crashed it headfirst into the sea.  So why in the name of forced sodomy are we talking about GTA4 now?

Reviewing the Review: Eurogamer’s Alice: Madness Returns review

Ah Eurogamer. They really have made the ‘joke review passed off as a legitimate critique’ into an art form all their own. The last time i read a review of theirs so bad it made me want to review the review, it was their hilariously shit drubbing of not-at-all-crap-and-actually-pretty-fun shoot em up Wolfenstein. Now not content with having literally the worst review ever written about anything, ever, with their Braid review, their Alice: Madness Returns ‘review’ is vying for the inglorious title of possibly the most wrong thing in the existence of everything, ever.

In defence of Duke Nukem Forever

In my time of playing, and reading about videogames, i’ve seen my fair share of games get a complete and total reviews ass pounding. There are games that deserved to get a complete shoeing in the review stakes (yet oddly, didn’t, like when MGS4 finally cast off any last vestiges of interactivity and become the worlds longest most boring and horribly acted film). But then you have a game like Duke Nukem Forever, a game which it seems its not just popular to hate, but almost cool to hate. And not just to hate it, but to wish physical harm on those involved with the game. Duke Nukem Forever, does not deserve this much hate.

Lets all have a good laugh at Call of Duty: Elite

I am a cunt

In one of the worst kept secrets since Hitler tried to convince Europe he DEFINITELY WASN’T PLANNING AN INVASION OF POLAND ANYTIME SOON *wink wink*, news filters through the intertubes like urine dribbling down a tramps leg today regarding the imminent introduction of a monthly subscription based model for upcoming interactive set-piece simulator, Modern Warfare 3.