What the fuck happened to Aliens: Colonial Marines

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All the signs were there. From the outset, we really should’ve known this game was going to be an absolute prize pig. The second we saw iron sights on a pulse rifle, alarm bells should’ve been ringing. And in hindsight, we did know.
We knew it was going to be a mediocre game, no one was expecting a game about Mentally incompetent  Marines killing bugs in space to be a genre busting watermark moment a-la Bioshock or Half Life 2.

What we didn’t expect, what noone could have forseen, was that Colonial Marines would wind up being so bad as to go down in history alongside gaming shit sandwiches such as Night Trap, Rise of the Robots, and Killzone 1-3.

TFPG’s VGA’S 2012: THE NEXT GENERATION

Welcome! Welcome one and all to TFPG’s 2nd annual Video Game Awards. I say Video Game Awards, but that’s just a catchy title i heard somewhere to rope in hits for what is actually just going to be me picking through the shittiest games of the year like a drug mule looking for a swallowed condom of pills in a pile of his own waste.

Thoughts on the Videogame Journalism Controversy from an Independent Observer

Taste the rainbow

The objective of any review, be it of a TV show, a Film, a Book, a Game, or the last shit you just took, is to provide a valid critique of said work of art/bowel movement (the 2 not being mutually exclusive, mind). I’ve highlighted the important word here. Let’s take a better look:

cri·tique

noun
1.an article or essay criticizing  a literary or other work;detailed evaluation; review.

2.a criticism  or critical  comment on some problem, subject,etc.

3.the art or practice of criticism.

“an article or essay criticizing a literary or other work”. Now, i may be an unqualified unprofessional, but i’d find it pretty hard to criticize a company’s product when they’re using their million dollar money penis to squirt free holiday and merchandise jizz all over my pretty, naive face.

Darksiders 2

Darksiders 2

Release: Out Now
Format: PS360/PC

There’s 2 kinds of disappointment in this life, the expected kind, like when you buy a lottery ticket and say to yourself “nah, i’ll never win”, and even though you secretly hope maybe, just maybe, this is your lucky day, you know deep down you wont. So when your numbers fail to come up yet again, and you realize your life really is worthless and shit and you down another glass of Whisky and beat your Wife for the rest of the evening, it really isn’t that unexpected.
But there’s an altogether worse kind of disappointment, the kind that’s unexpected, like rain out of a clear blue summer sky, or when Kelly Brook got her baps out for Playboy. For years we’d all been dying for her to free the Brook 2, only to be met with bitter disappointment when she finally did and they they turned out to be saggy and unshapely, and basically the breast embodiment of Darksiders 2.

Max Payne 3

Max Payne 3

Format: PC
Release: Out now

Like all the bad things in my life, it started with the death of a woman. I couldn’t save her. I didn’t want to. Because she was just another bad Rockstar stereotype. Big on tits and small on IQ. And frankly, i didn’t give a single solitary shit about any of the characters in this game.

I lied to myself that it was over. I was still alive, my loved ones were still dead. Max Payne was still dead. Raped into the ground by Rockstar and their terrible writing, and terrible characterisation.

The trouble with wanting something is the fear of losing it, or never getting it. We wanted a follow up to Max Payne 2, and for our sins, we got one. Only it was developed by Rockstar, who wouldn’t know a good line of dialogue, or a well rounded likeable character if they were using one as a suppository.

Alternative titles for Spec Ops: The Line that could’ve helped it stand out more

Spec ops: The Line is a great, great game. In a world where every game under the sun is trying it’s hardest to be a cross between Black Hawk Down and Transformers, Spec Ops aping cinematic classic Apocalypse Now is a welcome change. But that generic as fuck title has GOT TO GO.

Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary

Format: PS3
Release: Out Now

When i was a kid, i saw the film Child’s Play. Which might account for some of the issues i have nowadays, but that’s beside the point. As an impressionable kid, to me, Child’s Play was like watching some sort of Satanic Black Mass complete with sacrifing of Virgins and Goat Headed man beasts feasting on the flesh of the innocent. What i’m trying t o say is, it terrified the balls out of me, and seemed like i was watching the televised account of the last days of Sodom & Gomorrah. Last week, i caught it on ITV4, and realized it had actually been a tongue in cheek black comedy that was frankly hilarious when you’re watching a Cop unloading a 357 Magnum into the skull of a 2 foot tall Doll wielding a scalpel.